In it for the long haul

I wish I had more of an update for you all. I wish I were sitting her excitedly typing the words that we got "the call"...but unfortunately, I'm not. We've officially been approved and waiting for a referral now for exactly 6 months. I have to say, the time has actually flown by! I've personally been doing really great with the wait... until recently. The wait has just started to get difficult these last couple of weeks. And honestly, I feel really silly because we've only been waiting for 6 months. Adoption takes time, a lot of time, usually. Don't ask me exactly why. You'd think there were tons of babies out there...but the truth of the matter is that there really aren't. With abortion SO prevalent and easily accessible and even condoned and encouraged these days, families wishing to be parents have a long waiting line when it comes to parenthood. I read an article once that said that there are about 36 couples for every one baby available for adoption. So we're planning to just hunker down for a long wait ahead.

 But I'm excited because the summer is here and I finally get to put together the nursery. Yes, I'm starting on the nursery even before we get a referral. This is just a really great time for me to dedicate time to it since I won't be working this summer. I can take it slow and really enjoy the process of preparing for our little one. I'll be spending the first few weeks of summer painting the room that will one day hold a precious little soul that we'll call our child. I absolutely LOVE painting. I've spent many of hours painting different rooms in our house. It's a really great time to pray, actually. It soothes my ADD mind by doing something physical while my heart and mind pray. You better believe I'll be praying it up for our little child. My heart can't help but jump at the thought that our little son or daughter could actually be alive in his/her mother's womb right now!

While recently I've been struggling with the wait. I have to remember that it's not about me at all. This whole adoption isn't about Matt and I getting a kid. God has a really huge plan for everyone involved in this. He has a plan for their/our salvation and He's using this adoption in that plan. When I'm impatient about waiting...I have to remember that there is a woman out there  at this very moment making a very, very brave but hard decision. As I am eagerly preparing to say hello...there is a woman out there preparing her heart to say goodbye. I can only imagine how heavy that must feel to her. I remember clearly the heartache of saying goodbye to Josiah just two and a half years ago after only spending one week with him. I can only imagine carrying a child in your womb for nine months and then having to do the same. That's a bravery and a beauty that most of the world never gets to witness or experience. Adoption is a decision that so closely resembles God's love for us. This woman who is choosing life and adoption for her child, is acting like our heavenly Father even if she doesn't realize it. It's so beautiful. And we'll be so forever grateful to her for her act of pure love shown to her child... and to us.

"A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of that privilege are not lost on me. " Jody Landers

Unashamed

So, it has been quite a while since my last blog post. I'm sorry. Life has been busy and frankly there hasn't been much to write about on the adoption front, really. We got our first check up call from our case worker yesterday. She just wanted to check in to see how we were doing. But let me tell you, when I see that Texas area code, no matter how early we are in the waiting process, my heart jumps...a lot. After that call, I was just shaken up a bit last night. I'm not quite sure why and can't quite figure out if it was a good shaken up or a bad. Just shaken up. It excited me especially because sometimes you feel like you're really not even in the adoption process when you get stuck in this quiet waiting time where you really don't have much to work on in the process and you hear nothing from your agency. But it also saddened me a little, just knowing that it wasn't THAT call that we desire so badly. I know, I know, we've only been waiting two months...just seems like forever sometimes. :) So bare with me during the wait. :)

In the meantime, Matt and I are working hard at studying to become expert parents. Ha! We are required to take parent prep classes offered locally throughout our waiting time and we had our first class last week. It was good to be doing something because it reminds you during the quiet waiting time, that we really are expecting a child! When you aren't physically carrying a child, there isn't that minute by minute reminder. So, the classes are nice. It also has Matt and I talking a lot about our parenting styles, wants and desires for our child and family.

As I begin to prepare to become a mom, I feel like God has been exposing me a lot lately. Just all around, showing me the things I need to continue to work on in my heart and life to be the best mom I can be and to bring my child further into holiness. Being exposed hurts but God's carefully showing me things He desires for me and my child.

Worthiness is something I struggle with, a lot. I'm sure, to an extent, we all do. But growing up in a broken home with no father figure has left a permanent mark on my heart. My life has felt like a constant struggle to "measure up" so that others will love me. I'm competitive in nature, but that partially comes from deep rooted brokenness. Sure, my competitive spirit has it's good moments, I try hard at everything I do, I am physically active and it helps me accomplish things I never thought I could, like a half marathon last summer but it also has it's major downfalls.  It's hard to truly enjoy life and people when you don't think others accept you for you and see you as God sees you. You always feel inadequate.

My friend,Cristina, recently posted on facebook a blog post she came across about make up wearing and raising children. You can check out the blog post here. That blog led me to another blog post called "I'm not pretty enough." Violet, age 3. Ouch. Just the title of that blog has you thinking, huh?

This blog post really had me examine my mindset behind make up and how I have been personally chained to cosmetics for a decade and a half. Ouch. When I was younger, I wore make up because I struggled with acne. Then I began wearing eye make up and eventually, somewhere quickly, it became impossible for me to leave the house without it. I no longer loved my eyes. I felt like they were too small or not feminine enough. Eye liner and mascara gave me the eyes I loved. But this week, I have heard the Lord whisper, ever so gently, as I have stopped wearing make up for a couple of days, "Those are the eyes, I love".

Now, I work from home, with babies, so not wearing make up to work for me is, well...pretty easy so I'm not claiming to be a super hero here. But hey, it's a start. I do see other friends and adults daily as they drop off their fresh faced beautiful babies every day...so, I would say I am a little exposed, right?

This is not an Arbonne plug...okay maybe it is. But I have also begun using some of the Arbonne facial products like moisturizers and cleansers and it has also given me another reason to begin to think about what I am putting on my face and how I am taking care of my skin. I had no idea that cosmetics in our country are barely regulated by the FDA. And that there are so many toxins in our make up. I find it so insulting that our society says that women need to wear make up, use hair spray, etc. to be acceptable but then they don't even regulate it. Did you know that tar is used in mascara? Whaa?? Crazy. Materials are used in make up that can't be used anywhere else because it is considered waste. So, we're putting WASTE on our face??? Nice.

Okay, enough ranting about the ingredients of make up. There is more to it than going green or being healthy. I'm more worried about my interior health and what that will say to our one day, child. Whether it be a son or daughter, our child will learn that they are loved and valued by God through us as parents, first. And they will learn that most profoundly through our example. That's rather scary considering that's my biggest spiritual struggle. I have always said that I don't want my daughter wearing make up until she is 18. Or dying her hair until she can afford it herself (after age 18), and I'm not talking about a $7.99 box color, but at a high end salon where it is done right.  But there is more to parenting than setting rules, I have to live by example. I'm not quite sure how I plan to live that out. Thankfully, I have a little time to figure it out. I'm going to be honest. I don't plan on giving up make up entirely. I actually am quite passionate about make up and hair. And it's a little known dream of mine to do hair for a living, one day. I just LOVE being in salons ha! Ask my hair dresser, she can hardly keep me out of there! I love that make up, hair and fashion are fun ways to express ourselves, artistically.  I love the challenge of conquering unruly hair into a fun style. Or wearing make up according to my mood or the occasion. I know that you can absolutely be a holy women of God who also loves fashion and style! I don't think there is anything wrong with this...but it becomes wrong when I hide behind those things or can't see the light of day without  "putting my face on". It's a scary pit to climb out of. But it's so incredibly important to be comfortable in your own skin for your children's holiness.

Children's faces are so beautiful because they are untouched and pure just like their little souls. Shouldn't we all be striving to get back to being the spotless bride of Christ? But we spend our entire lives, covering up, not only our sins, but our beauty, too. It's important, at least for me, to learn to be exposed more often. And I plan to try. So...if you happen to see me not wearing make up or wearing considerably less make up, know that it's not easy and I could use some prayers because, well, I'm trying.

Today I am taking the first step out of the pit by going to lunch with my sister and nephew without make up...yes, in a public place, with real people. And I even plan to look people in the eye and hold my head up, rather than looking down or away. Why? Because God made me, and He doesn't make mistakes, like ever.

Have you been chained to cosmetics? How do you plan to expose God's beautiful creation, untouched, for all the world to see? Trust me, it's scary but incredibly freeing.

                                                       Unashamed beauty.

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."- 1 Peter 3:3-4

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."- Song of Solomon 4:7

Adoption Q & A

I decided to jot down some questions we've been asked since the announcing of our adoption. We love, love, love that so much dialogue has happened since we've told people of our desire and plan to adopt. Please continue to ask questions. We're learning in this process, too. Chances are we've had a lot more time and prayer put into shaping our hearts for adoption than you have, and we'd love to share our hearts with you.

Why are you adopting? Is it because you can't conceive? 

Adoption, in no way, is a plan B for us. We've had the desire to adopt long before we realized that conception would be difficult for us. Financial fears held us back for a long, long time. Until we realized that God is able to do more than we can even ask or imagine. We believe deeply that a desire to be parents... was not, to simply, pass on our genes.

Why choose a domestic option rather than international? Aren't you afraid what happened with Josiah will happen again? Isn't international just safer...emotionally?

There are risks with any adoption, both international and domestic. We aren't afraid of birth mothers. In fact, we feel called to meet with courageous birth moms and be a witness to our love for each other and for the Lord through meeting with the mother of our child. With domestic adoption, yes, birth mothers can change their minds. With international adoptions you have countries and governments changing their mind. We have seen many friends wait for a child internationally for over two years only to have that country decide to close adoptions. Adoption both domestic and international is risky business...but so so worth it. We are completely open to adopting internationally in the future. But for now, domestic is where we feel most called.

Why did you choose and agency all the way in Texas? Aren't there ones closer?
Yes, there are. Plenty. But after talking with many people, researching agencies in VA and even attending some local orientations, we didn't feel those agencies had the professionalism and track record that we were looking for. Our agency has been doing adoptions for 125 years. We also know people who have used the agency and were thrilled with them. We also found it difficult to find an agency these days that don't offer "snowflake babies", or embryonic adoption. That's something that we don't morally agree with and don't want to support an agency that offers that.


Why not do a private adoption? Aren't they SO much cheaper?

I could probably answer this question with two words. Go here.
But I'll spare you the super long blog post. Yes, private adoptions are less expensive but we've been there and done that. For us, it was a difficult experience. When working with an agency (especially our agency in particular), proper counseling is provided to all involved along with them acting as the mediator in the adoption. We feel at peace with using an agency. We appreciate the many people who have offered their advice of putting an ad in the paper or going through a pastor who matches up birth moms with adoptive parents on their own but we just can't risk our hearts in that way again...at least, not right now.

Will you accept a baby who's mother took drugs?

In the land of adoption, there is no "perfect baby"...but we DO know that our baby will be perfect to us.  We feel strongly that the Lord led these women to choose adoption, to choose life and that is so so amazing in a world that shoves abortion down the throats of vulnerable and scared women.  We feel called to caring for children who need parents. period. We're not looking for a "perfect baby" or a "perfect birth mom".  If we were, I personally don't think we'd be really ready to parent because having a perfect child on your hip like a super-cute-accessory isn't what God calls us to. He wants us to help bring babies to heaven, regardless if the babies have issues, drug related or not.  We're open for what God wants for our lives. We're on a mission and sometimes you get dirty, being on the battlefield for souls.

Are you open to a child of another race?

Yes. In fact, we're signed up for that! When we began this adoption adventure, we were told by Gladney that there was a need. A need for couples to adopt children who are African American and/or Biracial. Matt and I have both always felt more than fine with loving a child of any race unconditionally....so, why not? We are in the African American and Biracial Child's program at Gladney and we couldn't be more thrilled. Josiah, the little boy we adopted but ended up having to give back was biracial. We instantly loved him to pieces and saw him as truly our son. Just as God sees each of us as His sons and daughters...regardless of race.

Those are just a few questions, for now, that I can think of. If you have any more, please feel free to ask! I'd love to address them to you personally OR on this blog. I also plan on going more in depth with some of these questions in future posts...so stay tuned! :)

Baby Hamrick's Room

As if it weren't enough that this little child will be brought to us through a community that has helped provide the way for us to adopt and that he/she will be forever surrounded by that community, but our child's very ROOM will represent and forever be a reminder to him/her and Matthew and I, of the love our community has for our family.  And most importantly, the amazing and perfect love the Lord has for our son or daughter.

I began pinteresting, pretty quickly, ideas for our nursery, once we were officially official, of course. We've had six plus years to look forward to this and an especially paperwork-type busy four months that we hadn't really had the time to stop and enjoy the little things of beginning a family like decorating the nursery!  Not to mention the fact that I absolutely LOVE to decorate. It's kind of a passion/hobby, I guess.

Once I began pinteresting my ideas, blessings began to flow on completing our sweet nursery.  I have had so many people offer to help make something for our sweet baby's room! My mother-in-love is making our entire crib bedding, curtains and even reupholstering our rocker and ottoman (that we got for an awesome price via craigslist! woot!). God bless that woman!  My mom is knitting a blanket for us. My sister is painting us a picture for some wall decor and so is an old cheerleading friend, Allison, from high school that is an artist! We even have a blessed friend, Isaac, that has offered to hand make a wood table to sit beside my rocker. Incredible. We have friends that have offered an accent rug, the VERY rug I pinned on pinterest. Amazing. We have a beautiful cousin, Laura, that is going to hand make an owl mobile.

I just can't believe it. Literally, every piece of the nursery will have something made by someone that loves our little baby. I really feel like our baby's room will be a beautiful representation of all the love our community near and far has for our child. It will forever remind us that this community helped the Lord bring this child to us. It is a tangible reminder of God's providence. It will be beautiful and it will be so full of love.

So for the next several months (hopefully not too too long!), I will be DIY-ing or pinteresting lots of little touches like our nursery light fixture, etc. to keep me busy during this wait that I know will seem like forever to us. Keep us in prayer during the next year as we wait. Our anxious hearts will probably grow weary at times so your prayers and encouraging words will be appreciated. The adoption timeline is unknown which will only lead us to grasping onto the Lord for comfort, strength and faith. One of the most amazing aspects of adoption is the fact that it continually keeps your control freak factor in check since you simply have no control in adoption.  It's kind of cool. It stretches you as a person. Okay, mark those words because I'm pretty sure six months from now, when we're still waiting, I'll take them back ;)

This journey is not nearly over. It has just begun. Can't wait to see how God is going to work. :)

Identity and Inheritance

An awesome video sermon about adoption given by a pastor at The Summit Church in North Carolina (our friend's, Matt and Catherine's, church). It's an awesome message about what the gospel says about adoption.

Enjoy. :)

Adoption: Identity and Inheritance

Fundraising Update

Yesterday was amazing. I can't even begin to describe the love that engulfed the New Creation Center yesterday for our Benefit Concert. We weren't quite sure how many tickets were sold prior to the event, maybe 70 or so. But I had heard that a few people couldn't make it and knew others might not be able to either because of the snow or other things. But people just kept coming..more chairs had to be put out and we hit our max for the event which was 100 people! We couldn't believe it. But the most lovely part of the whole thing was seeing faces, young and old, laughing and enjoying the moment.

Our uncle plays old time music in a band called  The Company Store. But really, it's sort of a comedy where they bring the audience into the lives of these simple people from this simple town. And for two hours, people's worries and anxieties of every day life, are swept away with wholesome laughter and good music.  There were lots of families there, with lots of little kids who danced in the aisles to the band's tunes.  Even infants seemed to be encapsulated by the music. For a moment, it was hard to tell who's families were whose. Everyone was holding everyone else's kids. Pure joy, a sense of true community and fun filled that place yesterday. I know God was tickled pink to see his sons and daughters live.

Our uncle plays in a band...but really, it's more than that. It's a ministry. 

Between the ticket sales and additional donations, once again our community blessed us far more than we could ask or imagine. We made $1,800 thanks to our uncle and his band, the New Creation Renewal Center, my mother-in-love for organizing, my family for baking cookies and the generosity of people who love us and love life. This amount was far more than we even imagined. 

Through dealing with, coping with, somehow trying to remain faithful through infertility, I must admit that there were serious times of doubt of God's love for me and even His providence in my life. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't allow us to conceive. Why He wouldn't provide a child for us.  Especially when it came so easily for my friends and family.  I had some dark moments with the Lord over the past six years.  But I see, so clearly, now, that He has wanted to provide for us. That He promised He would...but that it would look differently than I had originally expected. It would look different because He has a calling on our lives that is unique to us.  He was waiting, patiently, for us to say, "Yes, Lord let it be done to me according to your will". And now it seems God is showing us over and over again that He is faithful and He provides. 

It has been almost four months since we said yes to God and began our adoption journey. Four months...four months and He has provided ALL that we need for our adoption...no really, ALL that we need. We are fully funded. We have our adoption cost, travel cost, post placement cost, even our final adoption attorney fee. God not only provided but He did so, quickly, I believe, so that we can enjoy the coming months of anticipation and focus on preparing spiritually to become parents. He not only provides but He does so, perfectly. 

Tears have filled our eyes so many times over the past few months as our eyes have been opened by the love the Lord has for us and the love our community has for us. Mostly, we are overwhelmed with joy that our little son or daughter will get the chance to truly know and experience God through each and every one of you. 

Your support no matter how big or small, whether through financial means or through prayer has rocked our lives and will directly impact the life of a child. And our family's mission will go on to be a witness to what a culture of life looks like in our world. 

From the deepest part of our hearts, thank you. 

We've Been Busy

We've been busy. So has God. So, it's officially official...we're official! Ha! No really, we have our home study, we're legit. Our agency has approved it and has approved us to adopt! We're double, legit. We have been assigned a caseworker and we've spoken with her a few times. She is awesome. This is another way God has moved. A few weeks ago when I was corresponding with the lady that was handling our application phase of the process, she had mentioned that once we were approved, we'd be assigned to a lady named Meagan that would be our caseworker. This was fine...but deep down I had really wanted this other caseworker that we met at orientation back in August. She gave the entire domestic adoption overview and we really really liked her. After all, she too has a dog named Bella. ;) But really, I wanted to request her but didn't want to cause waves especially since they were already going to assign us this other lady. Little did I know that God would hear my even unspoken desires and take care of it. A couple of weeks later we got an awesome email from the application lady congratulating us that we were approved to adopt, our approval packet was on the way and that our caseworker had been changed...TO the lady I wanted!!! She said that it was per her request because she had remembered us from orientation...how cool is that??!! There were twenty other couples there. That's pretty awesome.

A couple of days later, we got our first introductory call from our caseworker! If you don't know what a caseworker is in the adoption process...she's kind of a big deal. She is the one we will be talking with the most for the rest of the journey. She's the one that will give our book to birth mothers and match us with a birth mom. She's the one that will be giving us the call when we are finally matched! She's someone we have to really be comfortable with. And God provided. We couldn't be more thrilled or amazed at God's sovereignty amazing attention to the detail of our hearts. He's good.

We finished a HUGE step in the process this week. We finished the dreaded Profile Book...okay not dreaded but it was incredibly overwhelming for me. This is a twenty page shutterfly book that will have  a huge part in a birth mom's selection of us.  Seriously, how do you portray who you really are in a twenty page picture book?  With lots of hard work with the husband...we finished it.  Our caseworker reviewed/edited it and loved it. (whew!) It's ordered and even shipped off to Texas to our agency. Once they get it...we are officially waiting for a referral. Let me stop. Did I just say those words? We're waiting for a referral?? This is definitely a moment I have thought about for a long time.

Needless to say, the moment we were approved I began pinteresting nursery ideas. :) I've sort of waited six years to do this...so it's pretty exciting even though I could have potentially a year to plan this nursery (let's pray not!). Not to mention, I LOVE to decorate in general. We've done a lot of work over the last four months...applications, home study, profile book, etc. We're so ready for a little fun. I am pretty sure Matt thinks it's cute how I've begun to plan for the nursery. I'll post a little more on that later. It's definitely going to be a room of nothing but love to the little life that will fill it. I'm pretty excited. Our nursery is shaping up to be a beautiful depiction of a community of people loving on this little one...and that makes me oh so happy.

Though through all of this fun and excitement, there is a very real realization that Matt and I have this week that adoption does not come without loss. A child is, yes gaining a mother and father through adoption, but also losing a mother and father at the same time. A mother is losing a child...even if that is a choice she wants to and is ready to make. Real lives are involved. I, no doubt, will be thinking of my little one and his birth mother especially tomorrow as people march through the streets of D.C. peacefully asking for an end to legalized abortion. I am praying for our future birth mother and all mothers as they face difficult decisions. I pray they will choose life...and see the amazing beauty that comes with that decision either through mothering their child or choosing adoption.  I pray that christian families would be open to discerning whether God wants adoption to be a part of their family plan.  There is loss...but there is redemption and beauty through adoption.