The Process

The number one question we have received from people learning of our plan to adopt through Gladney  is, "So...how long until you get a baby?". It's a question that looms over the mind of many who know we have desired a child for so. many. years. It's a question that most prospective adoptive parents are yearning to know themselves. Interestingly enough, it's the very first topic the CEO of Gladney took the initiative to address in the first 3 minutes of our orientation day at Gladney a couple of months ago. He knew that it was something all 18 or so couples at the orientation were dying to know. So here is what he said. On average, the wait before placement (when the child is placed with the adoptive parents) is approximately 12 to 15 months. But in the same sentence he said, "Now you can throw that timeline out the window". Nice. Because every single circumstance is different. It could be sooner. It could be longer.  It's funny how the length of time of this process has honestly really never crossed my mind. What looms over in my head is, "WILL I receive a child...and WILL that child ever be taken away". So...I asked those very questions that day, needing to know what Gladney would say.

Matt and I, over prayer, have decided on participating in the Domestic Infant Adoption program. We prayed about doing international adoption but honestly, didn't feel a tug from the Lord towards a particular country. Not that we don't have a heart for other countries but we've always felt a strong urge to love on children in the U.S. There is a lot of poverty in all parts of the world...sometimes it just looks differently. We feel strongly that choosing to adopt from the U.S. is an answer to abortion in our country. As Christians, we  pray earnestly in front of abortion clinics and vote Pro-life in elections (which, might I add, is all so so good and necessary) but Matt and I feel it's our duty also as Christians to answer the cries of these birth moms and babies and open our homes to them. What a beautiful culture of life we would have if all families, whether fertile or infertile, seriously discerned adoption as a part of their vocation journey!

Some of you who know our story might be wondering, "But isn't domestic adoption risky?" Adoption is risky. It's not an easy process. Whether domestic or international, there is always the likelihood of a bumpy road ahead of you.  Yes, we will most likely meet our child's birth mother but honestly even after all we have been through with our previous private and very open adoption,  (meaning through and attorney and not an agency), I would still love to meet my child's birth mom so that one day I can tell him/her about the courageous woman that showed Christ in a very real way through choosing life and choosing adoption for her child. If I were an adopted child, I would want to know who my birth mother was. I would want to know my story.

Back to the process. We first sign up with the agency meaning we fill out mounds of paperwork and give them a percentage of the total cost of the adoption. Done. Next in our process is to get a home study completed. We have chosen an agency to do our home study that is local since our adoption agency is in Texas. This process can take up to three months if we move quickly on it. Once we complete our home study and we are approved, we will begin working on our Profile Book that will be shown to birth moms. It will consist of lovely pictures of YOU, our family and friends, as well as our home and our little pup Bella. We will also write information about our lives and things we love to do inside the book. Our caseworker, who has several other couples on her list, will go down her list of couples and match up birth moms to couples according to different criteria such as how long we've been waiting in the process, things we are okay with like drug use history, race, mental illness that may run in the birth family, etc. All this we have filled out in our mounds of paperwork. If we seem to match up well with a birth mother that they have come in contact with, our caseworker will show the birth mom our profile book. This particular birth mom will more than likely have several other books to choose from  as there are three case workers that work at Gladney. IF the mother chooses us, we will get a call from our caseworker and we will more than likely arrange to meet the birthmother in Texas or wherever she is. This is typically over dinner with our caseworkers present. This will be completely and utterly nerve wracking but also a great opportunity to be a witness of our love for each other and for the Lord to her. There is a chance that we do not meet the birth mother, if that is what she chooses to do, though most moms at least want to meet the couples.

If all goes well and we are MATCHED!! with a birth mother, it is up to us and what we agree on with the birth mother as far as future interactions with her. It may be that we send, through the agency, pictures and/or letters for the first few years of our child's life. Which is all good to me. Why not show the birth mother what an amazing choice of LIFE she made and that her decision to choose adoption was so right for her child!?

Once we are matched with a birth mom, it is generally 3 months or less until our child is born. Birth mothers do not choose adoptive parents until they are in the last trimester. Gladney does a lot of counseling with the mothers in preparation and they want them to make decisions that they will commit to before involving adoptive couples. Back to the two questions that loomed in my mind, "What if we never get picked? And if we are, will our child ever be taken away?" Gladney said that yes, we will eventually get picked if we stick with the process. They pretty much guarantee it.  As to my second question, there has been one time in this particular worker at Gladney's history of working at Gladney (20 years!) that a child was ever been taken out of the adoptive parent's home. She said that Gladney NEVER suggests to an adoptive couple to take the child before ALL parental rights are relinquished. In this particular situation, the birthmother signed over her rights but Gladney was waiting to find the birth father (sometimes that is a tricky and lengthly process). The adoptive parents wanted the baby in there home as soon as possible so they insisted in having the child come into their home. Long story short, the father of the child came forward and wanted his child. The child was taken from their home. Gladney warned the parents and highly suggested that they not take the child but I can completely understand the adoptive parent's desire to be with their child. Gladney works very hard to ensure this never happens. They have been in the domestic adoption business for 125 years and strongly suggest we take their advice in situations like this. One way in which they ensure to protect adoptive parents from this is by providing Transitional Care for infants. Every birth mother has the right to change her mind in the first 48 hours of the birth. And sometimes, because of legal issues with the birth father and trying to locate him especially if the birth mother has had multiple partners around the time of conception, there is a wait time anywhere from a few days to as long as 31 days. In this case, our child, will stay with the Transitional Families. These are people who volunteer with Gladney to take care of newborns in their homes for those few days or weeks. God bless those beautiful people. Gladney wants the Placement moment for adoptive parents to be free of worry and just a moment of pure joy. I have to admit, that this blows me away. I can not even imagine that the first time I hold my baby, he/she will truly be mine without a fear in the world that he/she will be taken from me. I think I am going to have a hard time believing that. My only experience of being given a child was filled with so many questions, fears, unknowns. Placement day with Gladney will truly be a day of pure joy for us. I'm pretty sure I'll just cry my eyes out like I almost do each time I  think about that day.

So...there is the process in a nutshell...believe me, there is a lot more to it especially legally but we honestly feel called to this agency because of how much it protects all lives involved. They offer counseling to us, to birth moms and even to our future child. If he/she is a teenager and is having serious issues dealing with being adopted and wanting to know why his/her birth mom could give them up, Gladney counselors are trained and willing to offer free counseling to our child for the rest of their lives. Gladney wants to be a part of every adoptive families lives and continue to offer services. They also offer free counseling services to birth moms even after the birth if they are having a difficult time grieving the loss of their child. They are a wonderful agency that we truly trust. But ultimately, our trust and faith in this whole process is mostly definitely on Jesus. Because He is the true life giver and the one who will ensure that the right child is united with us.

Please pray for us in this process. Pray for our caseworker and all involved at Gladney. That they would have good discernment in choosing birth moms to look at our profile book. Pray that Matt and I wait well in this process. That we focus on others rather than just ourselves and our adoption. It's easy to get consumed with the process and the waiting. Pray that we use our time of waiting to serve others because I know that is what Jesus wants. Pray for our future child, his birth mom, and for Matt and I. Pray that the Lord teaches us over the next year what it truly means to be good, Christian parents and how to raise a child to love and serve Jesus with their whole lives.

We need your prayers.