Sweet Baby Jesus

I was completely blown away this morning during my quiet time. I read the daily scriptures then listened to my usual reflection by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on my Laudate app on my phone. If you don't have this app, get on it people. It's the bomb. 

Anyway, his reflection today was on the "Weakness of the Baby Jesus". When I first heard this, I was like, "say, wha?? God, weak, uh no" but then I listened further to the wise and humble words of Pope Emeritus.... and let me tell ya'll...mind blown. 

Here are some words from his mediation that really stuck out to me profoundly. 

"The weakness of the baby Jesus. At the heart of the mystery is the paradox that the glorious God decides to manifest himself in the helplessness of a child who is overlooked by adult society and comes into the world in a stable. The powerlessness of a child has become the proper expression of God's all subduing power. For the only force He employs is the silence force of truth and love.  It was then in the defenseless weakness of a child that God wanted us to have our first encounter of saving mercy."

I often reflected on why God came as a baby, in a stable. And while I am sure this is one of those mysteries that will have us constantly striving to understand the way of God through it, I can't help but think of the relevancy of the weakness of the baby Jesus that there is today. Although his reflection was not specifically on pro life issues, my mind couldn't help but gravitate towards it after reading his words. 

There is absolutely no mistaking that babies are being overlooked by our adult society. This is a hot topic in today's world. Candidates for presidency are being elected or not elected in our country in large part because of this one topic. Children are the prey and our country is divided because of this. 

So why baby Jesus? Pope Emeritus says that "the powerlessness of the child has become the proper expression of God's all subduing power". The Lord crushes Satan and sin but the only "force he employs is the silence of truth and love". He says that it was "in the defenseless weakness of a child that God wanted us to have our first encounter of saving mercy". 

I believe this speaks truth to the pro life movement. That the very act of a God choosing a child, a baby, to come into the world speaks profound truth to the fact that saving mercy can come from the defenseless weakness of a child. That through an unplanned pregnancy, even in the case of rape or incest, absolute saving mercy and an encounter with Jesus can come from choosing life for that child.

I've witnessed it in our own adoption. Saving grace and mercy healed and redeemed our birth mother. She has a strong relationship with Christ now because of her choice of life and because of the beautiful healing the Lord did during her pregnancy and even still does now through our beautiful semi open relationship we have with her. 

This Christmas I'll be reflecting on the saving power of God, paying close attention to His purposeful use of a baby. And I'll be lifting up my prayers for birth mothers and fathers who need the Lord's healing. I'll be praying that the force of truth and love come into their lives and hearts through the children they carry in their flesh. I ask you to join me in the prayer for life and healing. Because I believe that redemption of our world can come through a country that stands firmly for life. 

Preparing for War this Advent

Last night I was browsing through pictures from our time in the great state of Texas when we first met our son. I can't help but have an overwhelming amount of mixed emotions as I stroll through those memories. But what I realized is my emotions become fixated on the absolute courage of our son's birth mother. I know that I have blogged about this before but her actions and her heart still have me in utter awe. Maybe it's because I have been down the road where a birth mother has decided at the last minute to keep her child rather than place him for adoption, I don't know. But I know that the way I live my life is different because of her. Because of her choice, because of her courage.

With it being Advent, I've been reflecting, obviously, more about the journey our Blessed Mother, Mary took as she carried the Messiah in her womb. Although I have never been pregnant, walking through the last few months of my son's pregnancy with his birth mother has really given me insight into what it may have been like for Mary. I was so blessed that I had regular email contact with our birth mother through out those last few months and that she was more than eager and willing to share each and every part of her pregnancy with me. She allowed me to get to know Joshua even before I met him. From his kicks, to his hiccups, to his response to cajun food...I knew it all. And because of that, I am still in awe of her peace and courage throughout the pregnancy and at his birth. During those sweet nine months of carrying him in her womb she cared for him, sang to him, prayed for him, changed the way she ate, worked out and lived FOR HIM...only to say goodbye to him one day. Many people say that they don't know how any mother could do that...but I can tell you that another mother modeled that courage and grace....Mary, the Mother of our Savior. It's unsure how much Mary really knew about what was to happen to her son but she knew one thing and I'm certain it was more than telling...He was the Son of God, the Messiah.

Mary had a huge decision to make when the Angel appeared to her. And she said "yes". And so as we all prepare for Christmas and patiently "wait and prepare" in advent, I encourage you to really think about how Mary prepared. This was the single most difficult decisions she made. And it was a decision that she continually had to make. No doubt, it was a daily decision. A daily yes through the trials of an unwed woman carrying a child to term. And then what happens when she actually has this child? After all, he is the Messiah! What did that mean for her life and future being the mother to him? I believe that Mary didn't just "prepare to have "sweet baby Jesus". I believe she prepared for war. She knew when she said yes to God that day, that she was in for it. She knew that God was penetrating through the the earth...and that was going to be a cra-zay!

It's natural for me to make parallels of the gospel to adoption because I truly believe that adoption is a reflection of the gospel on earth. But usually I take the "God adopts us into his family" route. This Advent, I've been realizing that there is so much more to it than that. Adoption, in a lot of cases is a story of redemption. The journey birth mothers have to take can be closely paralleled to Mary's journey. These birth mothers, our birth mother, said yes to life even when it meant it wouldn't be easy. In fact, it absolutely won't be easy.  They spend their pregnancies preparing for the day they say goodbye to a child they have grown so close to much like Mary sitting at the foot of the cross of her baby boy she once carried in her very flesh. But it doesn't stop there. Birth mothers are also preparing for the backlash they will experience from family and friends after placing their child. Can you imagine the backlash Mary went through, not only while carrying Jesus in her womb but after he was born as well?

Then why do they do it? Because the alternative is death. In our society the likely alternative to an unplanned pregnancy is abortion, unfortunately. So the women who choose the difficult but life giving route of adoption, they do it because they want to right a wrong, redeem sin, and give life to a child which can literally change the world in which we live. I was able to witness God's profound grace all over our birth mother as she made the decision to place her baby for adoption...but that doesn't mean it was easy.

So what does this mean for us? Especially for those not touched by adoption personally. Prepare this Advent as if you're preparing for war. Because living a life believing in Jesus in this society is like doing so. We know, ultimate the war is won but there are battles we're compelled to engage in. But I warn you, these battles may not always appear to be combative. In our world, there is a war on kindness, on love, on true charity in the name of Jesus. And there is the obvious and ever important war on life that each and every one of us can fight in by the way we live our lives and build our families. Because the season of Advent means candles and prayer and lights and presents and...war. Preparation is vital.

The decision to live for Jesus isn't easy. Put on your armor this Advent.

Gratitude

I'd love to be able to say that Thanksgiving has always been a day of true thankfulness for me. The truth is, between stuffing my belly with turkey and pie and all things amazing, in dealing with infertility in the recent years, I found it truly difficult to be thankful most days let alone on Thanksgiving. When looking up thankful in the dictionary, I found it to mean "pleased and relieved".  How could I, in the midst of one of the hardest crosses I've had to carry, be anything close to pleased and relieved??? But you see, I've had it all wrong.

Our recent adoption and becoming a mommy over the last three months have taught me something so incredibly profound. Something I wish I always had and something I wish I had in every part of my life. Gratitude. You see, I thought I knew what this thing called gratitude was and even thought I had it at certain times of my life...but nope. I didn't have a clue. 

Our son and the Lord, coupled with the heavy cross I carried for years have taught me gratitude.  There isn't a single moment that I don't look at my son with a heart full of gratefulness. When he wakes me up for middle of the night feedings, my stomach flutters with excitement to see him and spend those sweet moments with him while the rest of the world sleeps. When I'm worn down and sick because of lack of sleep, I can somehow continue on with my mommy duties with overwhelming joy. You see, I've learned through this adoption and becoming a mom, that having a heart of gratitude helps you live life with true joy. The circumstances around you literally don't matter when you have true gratitude.  

The definition of gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. I've experienced this in such a real way. My eagerness to show appreciation and kindness for my son stirs within me the ability to be a joyful mother. You see, gratitude changes the way you live. It changes the way you move forward. But don't let me fool you, I didn't come by this on my own. I believe our Lord brought me through years of carrying a heavy and hard cross to be able to experience this joy....that stems from pure gratitude. And I am forever grateful because I believe it is making me the mother God wants me to be more and more every day. 

Knowing that my son is truly a gift from God helps rid me of any feelings of "it is my right to have this child" or that even "this child is mine" which can lead to taking him for granted. He's the Lord's. He always was and always will be. He is an absolute gift. I know from past experience that anything can be taken away in an instant so every.single.moment with him fills my heart with more gratitude. Experiencing true gratitude for the first time in my life has caused me to pause and wonder, what if we live our entire lives in this way? What if we look at each and every thing and person with such gratitude?

 I believe more joy will fill this earth.

Praying for you. Praying for those carrying painful crosses this Thanksgiving that soon enough, the Lord will reveal to you this gratitude and your hearts would experience divine joy and peace that surpasses all understanding in this life. 

Photos by: http://www.kbsimplephoto.com/

I'm Adopted

...because the truth of the matter is that we are all adopted. We are adopted sons and daughters of God. As I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament with my adopted son this afternoon for the first time, I felt this in a deeper way than ever before. It was incredibly overwhelming to see the light of Christ from the monstrance shine on my son's face in the chapel. It's difficult to explain, really...the magnitude of adoption especially in the spiritual realm.

But what I do know is that God has chosen you. He has chosen YOU as his adopted son or daughter. He doesn't just want to be your "friend" as many contemporary christian lyrics echo lightly. He wants to go deeper. He wants to be your daddy. He wants to be up with you in the night when you're fearful and worried. He wants to hold you when you need comforting and healing. He wants to provide for you, feed you, cloth you. He wants to love you, sacrificially, as a father does...but He can do it perfectly. He has chosen you despite who you are, what you've done, or where you will go in the future. He has chosen YOU because of who He is.

When you go through the process of adoption, you learn so much spiritually. You learn how to love like God does. But mostly importantly, you learn how much God loves you. Since our son has come into the world, our lives have been completely rocked both in the physical and in the spiritual. Besides my time being completely consumed with our little Joshua, my mind and heart have also been completely consumed with thoughts of complete awe of the Lord.  I have so much to write about adoption, I don't know where to begin! Hence why I haven't written a post yet. I was going to give a detailed play by play of the day our son came in to the world (don't worry, I will soon!) because it was completely and awesomely covered by God's grace but after visiting the adoration chapel today, I just felt so strongly to tell you, the person reading these words, that God loves you. That He has chosen YOU to be His son or daughter. He has adopted you.

Bringing our son home.

Adoption, Redemption

It's an indescribable experience meeting the birth mother of your future son. One that's really difficult to put into words. Our visit with our birth mother and caseworkers went great last week. The five of us enjoyed a two hour lunch just chatting away about everything from surfing and sharks to family traditions and college football (of course!). After the lunch, we took some pictures and headed on our way. Our caseworker stayed back for a bit and talked with Matt and I and mentioned that we were allowed to invite our birth mother to hang out again since we were staying in town a couple of more days. We loved the idea of getting more time with her! So we asked her and she was so excited that we actually wanted that! So the next day, we met for lunch again. This lunch, we spent four hours talking...just the three of us. It was amazing and really completed the entire trip for us all. We had the opportunity to really talk. We talked about some fun, light hearted stuff but were also able to go deeper. To talk about our birth mother's conversion to the Lord, her hopes, her fears, her dreams. It was an incredible experience to know more about her heart and how God has moved in huge ways through this pregnancy and now through this adoption process. It was a lunch that the three of us will never, ever forget and a sweet moment that we can share with Joshua forever.

Meeting with her really had me thinking about the beauty of choosing life. In our world, young women are pressured to get an abortion, to just "take care of it" as an easy way out. It's amazing to get a front seat view of it all and be able to visibly see the positive and amazing effects of why choosing LIFE can only bring endless blessings and joy for SO many people. Not to mention, it brings conversion. Life conquers death...it conquers sin....it heals and redeems. I get SO excited knowing that the enemy was squashed. He had a plan and it backfired on him terribly because of a still small voice in a mother's heart that said, choose life. The enemy thought he got her when she chose to have premarital sex. He thought his work was done but she has been restored, redeemed and has come to know God in a huge way. She's changed and wanting to follow God passionately now. Wow.

You see, adoption brings life in a world that's saturated with death. You could even say that adoption is contagious. We truly believe that because our birth mother was adopted herself and because HER mother bravely chose life for her, she instinctively knew that life and adoption was the right thing to do. She knew that an abortion would just break her. I fiercely believe that if adoption is in your family... generations to come are more likely to choose life and choose adoption if they're in a difficult spot.

This amazing lady has been able to experience the freedom and forgiving power of our God through her pregnancy. She's been able to bless another couple (us!) with life when they're not able to have a family on their own. And we're able to build a relationship with her that's filled with conversations about life and faith and how good our God is even in the midst of trial. Matt and I are able to be a witness to her of a marriage built on God. She's able to witness to us the sacrificial love of a parent that is an absolute reflection of God's love for us. How can anything but beauty come from choosing life and choosing adoption?

God is good. He's breaking through our culture of death through adoption and we're incredibly humbled and blessed to be a part of that.

What's In a Name?

It was really important to us to choose a name for our son. This little life had been without a name for most of his in utero life and we just felt it necessary to give him a name, after all, he IS a person and he IS our son. Although not legally yet, he's our son through and through.

I mentioned in an earlier post that during the very first call from our caseworker giving us the news that we were matched, I asked a rather natural question, was the baby a boy or a girl. Upon hearing the caseworker say, "It's a boy!", something inside of me yelled out the name Joshua. It was seriously almost like I recognized him as my son and I called out his name in excitement. It was one of the strangest moments but one that I hope I never forget.

So...his first name is Joshua. Not only is it the name my heart cried out immediately but also happens to be in Matt and mine's top two or three name choices for boy names.

Joshua is a strong name. Joshua was a warrior in the Old Testament. From my understanding he was a man that showed huge courage in the face of great responsibility. He was like the right hand man to Moses through the 40 years that the Jewish people wandered the desert. Joshua successfully led the people of God out of the desert to conquer their enemies and enter the promised land. Some scholars say that Joshua was like a foreshadowing to Jesus. What Moses, who represented the law, was unable to accomplish, Joshua did, by leading the people into the promised land. This points to what Jesus did on the cross, defeating the enemy, satan, and leading people to eternity with God (the promised land!).

So, I pray my son will be a true warrior for the Lord. That through obedience, faith and dependence on God, he will bring others to Christ in his life.

Choosing Joshua's middle name was a bit more challenging. There are SO many great names! Matt wanted us to pray through a few for a little while to make sure we choose the right middle name for him. So we prayed.  And after a little while, Matt felt confident that his middle name was supposed to be Dominic. I would say that we both really like this name but Matt really sealed the deal on choosing this middle name for Joshua, which I like that he chose it for him. :)

Saint Dominic was a spanish priest and the founder of the Order of Preachers, the Dominican order. Saint Dominic was named after Saint Dominic of Silos, who is the patron saint of hopeful mothers. He was born into a wealthy family but also a holy one. His mother was beatified by Pope Leo XII in 1828. Pretty cool. He was a scholar of theology and the truth and teachings of the Church were things he spent his life defending, in an age where great heresy engulfed the world. But he was also a man of great charity and love. When a famine hit Spain in 1191, Dominic gave away his money and sold his clothes, furniture and precious manuscripts to feed the hungry.

Our prayer is that our son, Joshua Dominic, will be a warrior for the Lord and defend and spread Christ's truth through faith, obedience to God, and love, into a world saturated by relativism.

"Now then," said Joshua, "throw away the foreign gods that are among you and yield your hearts to the Lord, the God of Israel." And the people said to Joshua, "We will serve the Lord our God and obey him."- Joshua 24:23-24 

OH and one really awesome God thing. After we had chosen the name Joshua Dominic for our son, our caseworker scheduled our trip to meet our birth mother for the first time. It's next week, on August 8th (prayers would be great please!) and I noticed yesterday that August 8th is the feast of Saint Dominic!! How awesome is that? The very first time we are near our son and hopefully feel him kick will be on his feast day! God is good and always showing us, He's looking out. :)

A Love Story

...Because that's what adoption is. A love story. Lately, I've had the incredible opportunity to begin dialogue with my future son's birth mother.  We've been emailing daily through an email account we have set up through our agency. This has been an amazing experience for us.  I know that this opportunity may look very different for different people who are matched up with different birth moms but our experience has been a truly unique blessing to us. Before we began this process, we would have never guessed that we would have developed such a relationship with the mother of our child. Of course, we had hope that we'd get the opportunity to meet her and to talk with her but we never expected something quite like this. Our daily emails to each other read like love letters to our son from two women that love him with an indescribable love. The emails are something Matt and I will absolutely share with our son when he is older.

You can only imagine what talking with your child's birth mother is like. It's a bit scary at times. I'm always afraid I am going to say something wrong or maybe show how excited I am and that will sadden her. But our child's birth mother and I have been able to talk through each other's feelings and fears and we share in each other's joy of this whole process. God has SO blessed us and protected us by matching us up with this amazing women who really knows what God wants for her son's life and she is confident in her choice to place her child for adoption. Corresponding with us and knowing how we feel and how we're preparing for the little man only reinforces her decision that we are the right adoptive parents for him.

Our number one prayer when we started this adoption process last October was that our child and his birth parents would come to know and love Jesus. That was our biggest prayer. The prayer that trumped any and all of our other prayers through the process. I believe that God has already begun to answer that prayer.  Our birth mother this week shared her testimony and revealed to us that through this pregnancy and through this adoption, she has become a believer when she wasn't before. She attends church and a weekly bible study. How amazing is that?! She is who we have been praying for all this time and God has answered that prayer.

Her faith and her love for her son only inspires me to be a mother that loves selflessly and that cherishes this precious gift forever. Getting to know her has changed me..for the better.

In two weeks we will travel to Texas to meet her and I really believe we will hug like old friends by then. I am so excited to talk with her face to face and to be SO close to the son God has chosen for us. Time is creeping too slowly for all of us. Pray for all of us as the time draws near where a mother's selfless love will change for good the lives of so, so many.

Adoption: "Not for the Wimps of Heart"

I was reminded the other night by my dear friend, Catherine, who has also adopted that a.) adoption is not for the wimps of heart and b.) hold unswervingly to the hope we profess for He who promised is faithful (Hebrews 10:23).

In adoption, things can change in a New York minute. There is no guarantee until we're heading home on the plane with our baby in our arms. Hence, adoption is not for wimps. I'm giving you the play by play of adoption. The good with the bad, the awesome with the not-so-awesome moments. It's not just a sweet fairy tale that we can happily blog through. Sometimes these stories do not end in happily ever after...sometimes they do, it's just a bumpy ride getting there. Adoption is dealing with real people who are going through a very difficult things.

Daily in this process we are falling more and more in love with a child we haven't met yet. It's almost impossible not to! We have to let our hearts "go there" even if it means heartbreak. God, the Father, goes there with us daily. He gives us our all. He loves us deeply and unconditionally, even before we ourselves call him Father.

I may not be providing minute by minute blog posts about the next couple of months of the process. The next post I write may be a little synopsis of our visit with the birth mother.

In the meantime, we're continually in communication with the agency and the birth mother, getting our home ready for a little one and helplessly falling in love with someone we haven't met yet. Which is all very awesome but can be extremely stressful at the same time. Give us grace and prayer please!

PLEASE keep us in prayer through this. Keep the birth father, the birth mother and their families in prayer that they would continue to make the right decisions for the baby. Most importantly, pray that the birth parents and the baby would come to know Jesus, in a real way, through this adoption.

Pray that Matt and I would make wise decisions in the final stages of this process. That we'd have peace and most importantly, that we'd have faith in our mighty God that is totally at work in all of this. And lastly, for protection from the evil one, for all.

"Faith is no refuge for the fainthearted, 

but something which enhances our lives. 

It makes us aware of a magnificent calling, 

the vocation of love.” - Pope Francis (Lumen Fidei, 53)

Next Steps

Things have slowed down a little since we received the amazing news that we're matched with a birth mother! So I thought I'd give you all a little update on all that has happened since. My goal with this blog is to first, bring glory to God because he does amazing things when we trust in Him, second, share the domestic infant adoption journey with everyone, step by step, so people have a pretty good idea of the process from the adoptive parent end. I'd love for this blog to bring awareness so that families will begin to naturally discern adoption for their family. There are a lot of amazing children that need Christian homes and as I always say, when you step into the adoption journey, God rocks your socks off and blows you away with His faithfulness in a way you may never get to experience otherwise. I also hope that this particular post will help break the stereotype that is often placed on birthmothers and fathers.

I want to tell you a little about our birth mother, without going into too much detail to respect my child's birth mother and my child. Just a few days after the awesome call from our caseworker telling us we were matched, our caseworker called us to give us, in more detail, the "stats" of our birth mother and father. This is somewhat of a scary part for adoptive parents in the matching process. You really have NO idea WHO you will be matched up with...well to an extent. In the application process you have the opportunity to check the boxes of the types of things/situations you are okay being matched with. We were not too picky on our application meaning we were open to accepting a lot because, well let's face it, we're probably at this point in our lives, not going to field a baseball team with kids (not to put limits on God!) so we felt that as a family, we could maybe handle a little more if that's what the Lord willed for our family. We also felt strongly that all children deserve not only life, but a good life and good parents, no matter their disability or in utero circumstances that may affect them. This part of the process takes quite a bit of discernment, though, I warn you.

So when we got the stats, we learned that our birthmother was not the strung out on drugs stereotype that most would categorize birth mothers to be. She is an honors student in college and so is the birth father.  The birthfather even plays college football! You better believe Matt is super stoked about that part! :) A few days after getting all the information from our agency on our birth parents, down to their height and weight (I know, right!? Crazy), we actually had a phone conversation scheduled with our birthmother. So we set up a google voice number so that she didn't actually have our phone number, in oder to keep privacy. This is typical with our particular agency. The really try to allow birth parents and adoptive parents to build somewhat of a relationship over the course of the last trimester. It's healthy for birth moms and gives them strength and assurance in their decision by really getting the chance to get to  know the adoptive parents.

We were pretty terrified of the conversation leading up to it. We prayed, a LOT but we just didn't know how the conversation would go or if we'd get a scared and unsure teenager on the other end and how we'd be able to handle that. It turned out that we or I, really, was the scared voice on the other end of the phone. She is a strong, confident, smart, beautiful christian who led the entire conversation. She had questions and topics prepared to discuss. She encouraged us. She is amazing. The three of us talked for an hour and there was nothing but complete joy from both ends of the phone. It was the most blessed conversation we could have imagined. And the best part?? No awkward lulls in the conversation, thank you sweet baby Jesus.

One of the biggest and most amazing things we learned was that she is adopted, herself! She was adopted as an infant so she completely gets adoption. She understand the risk we're taking as adoptive parents and how we're really placing our hearts and lives in her hands over the next couple of months. She also has a clear picture of the type of adoption she wants and feels is best for all involved. She wants a semi open adoption, meaning we will exchange pictures and letters through the agency. Her family exchanged pictures and letters with her birthmother and she saw the confidence it gave her as she grew to know where/who she came from. But she also understands that communication other than that would not be a good idea. This is exactly what we wanted and hoped for! We want to be able to tell our child that he was placed for adoption because his birthmother loved him and knew he needed a father and a mother that could raise him and love him, well.

The other amazing thing we discovered talking with her is that she is a Christian. Before she could even choose a family (before her third trimester), she found our profile on the Gladney online profile site and she just "knew that we were the parents of her baby". So for three months her and her family prayed we'd still be available when the time came that she could choose. Three months, people. Three months she has been praying specifically for us. That blew my mind and still does.

She's a beautiful woman making an amazing choice for her child. She's putting her child above her own wants. Some people view adoption as the opposite which is not true. She first chose life when she had an unplanned pregnancy and then discerned and chose adoption, knowing her child could be given an amazing life with both a father and a mother in his life. She chose adoption because she was intimately familiar with it because her mother had chosen the same road. A culture of life has trickled down the generations in her family because adoption was the option when unplanned pregnancies happened. Adoption gives life to so many. We've witnessed that communities rise up to embrace adoptive parents and the children placed for adoption, both prayerfully and even financially. We've witnessed our birth mothers be encouraged and embraced by adoptive parents (us) through this process, hopefully giving them peace and inner healing through this difficult choice rather than shame they may feel. We'll see a child who will be blown away that his birth mother emulated Christ's love for him in choosing true life in a culture that's fighting against a child's right to life. Like Christ, choosing life for her child isn't by any means the easy road. In fact, it's the road less traveled these days. But her courage and love will spread like a wild fire for generations to come in our family and hers.

So the next steps for us? We're traveling to Texas to meet with our caseworkers and our birth mother on Aug 8th. We'll have a lunch and who knows what we'll talk about. But we feel SO much better about meeting her after talking with her on the phone and after exchanging a few emails back and forth. I'm also so excited to be that close in proximity to our baby! So cool!

Prayer requests? Pray for our birthmother, that she stays firm and continues to feel the peace of the Lord in her life and in her decision. Pray for our child, keep him safe and healthy and at peace in her womb as well. Pray for us as we wait these 50-some days. Yes, that is SO close BUT for an adoptive parent SO far. I had a freak out moment last night to Matt. It literally sometimes feels like I am blind folded and jumping off a bridge and the only thing I can do is trust in God. That freakin' scares me!! There is absolutely nothing in my control. And this isn't just any old thing we're dealing with here. We're talking about our child, our family. Something we've longed for for so many years. The unknown and anticipation really scares me. I just want it to get here so I KNOW that things have worked out well for us and that we're flying back to VA with our baby in hand. I'm clinging to Jesus most days around here. So prayers are SO greatly appreciated.

Feeling a lot like Peter lately, somedays I'm walking on water and other days I feel like I'm sinking:

"Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd.  After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone,  and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. 26 When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”

 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!” Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?” And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down. 33 Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

-Matthew 14

Prayer Warriors, Near and Far

We have had SO many people tell us how much they are praying for us through this adoption process. It's amazing to see the body of Christ rise up. We're forever changed and our faith is forever strengthened through the experiences God has given us in this adoption journey. That is really a BIG reason we encourage everyone to prayerfully consider adoption for their family, whether you are fertile or infertile. God moves in adoption. You see Him so clearly ACT in big ways when you choose adoption for your family. It's incredibly amazing and faith altering for all involved. We love so much that people are praying for us. That people are talking to the Father for us. That fills our hearts so much.

This week we were given this email from a sweet friend of a our sister in law. It broke our hearts but in a divinely sweet way! Who knew that there was someone that we're not super close with, relationship-wise, praying SO fervently for us and our adoption. Less than two weeks before we were matched, Michelle, got married...in IRELAND and had our adoption on her heart....LITERALLY. Read the email she sent the day after her wedding.


Kim and Matt,


Just wanted to send along a very special message to you from Dublin, Ireland on this 23rd of June, 2013, the day after our wedding. Only a few days ago, Maolsheachlann (my new husband) and I found ourselves writing intercessions for our Nuptial Mass. We thought and thought for ages about all of the people we wanted to pray for, and for all of the causes and circumstances and situations we wanted to prayerfully remember on our special day. It took ages to consolidate all of it into something that could be read without adding an hour to the Mass! J


You might not realize that Dublin has been a whirlwind of abortion legislation recently, with the first ever legislation on the table to allow abortion now. We certainly wanted to keep that in our very vocal prayers. We also knew that getting married at a public shrine – The Shrine to St. Valentine – could attract hundreds of people we didn’t know, so we wanted to be very careful and purposeful as we expressed our prayers with our family, friends, and so many strangers! All this is to say:


I am very happy to share that your most fervent adoption intentions were among those that we offered up during our Mass. We were married on the Feast of St. Thomas More, who as you may already know is the patron saint of adoptions. Can’t hurt to add a sacrament and a Patron Saint to your intention, right?? J I wrote the intention on a little paper heart and tied a blue ribbon to it and pinned it to the inside of my dress so that it rested on my heart. It was my something blue. As I made my vows to love, honor, and cherish my husband and lovingly accept children, I asked God to answer your prayers for children before my own. Just wanted you to know that you were a part of our day in a special way and that there were prayers lifted up for you on June 22, 2013 from the Whitefriar Carmelite Street Church at 4:56 pm, 56 Aungier Street, Dublin, Ireland.



I hope that God blesses you abundantly and that you might keep me and my new family in your prayers as you wait for your Good News.



Love,

Mr. and Mrs. O Ceallaigh

God and His body are SO incredibly good. We're humbled beyond belief by the powerful prayer warriors that surround us and our son. We are seriously keeping a box of all the amazing letters, notes, cards, miracles that have happened in this process, to one day show our son who incredibly loved he was/is even before people had ever met him. 

Michelle and Maolsheachlann, you are beautiful. You're vocation has already begun to touch people's lives and point them toward Jesus by the way your hearts have entered into that covenant, prayerfully for other's needs above your own. The world is watching christian marriages. The world will be changed radically by yours. 

Real Parenthood

What an amazing whirlwind it has been since we got the call from our caseworker that we have been picked by a birth mother. We spent the rest of that week, well, I spent the rest of that week having random moments of uncontrollable tears of joy. It has been beautiful.

The following Monday, our caseworker called us to give us all the details and medical history about the birth mother and father and extended family that she had. SO glad she didn't try to give me all that info. at the Pirates game. Ha! I was just so overwhelmed with joy that my brain could only process one thing, we're matched.

After telling me all the information she had, she asked, "So can I tell the birth mother and her caseworker it's official?" "Oh it's official, it has been official since the moment you called us on July 4th", I said. :)

When we signed up with the adoption agency, we signed up to be parents. Period. There isn't anything this child could or couldn't be that would make us hesitant to embrace him as our son. Some may even wonder if shouting from the roof tops that we're having a baby or decorating a nursery before we actually hold this baby in our arms and can claim him legally is a good idea, especially after losing a child through a failed adoption once before. We made the decision to love and pray for and embrace this little boy like he is our own from the moment we're matched. Why not? We've already experienced the pain of losing a child once. We know what that feels like. It hurts, a lot. But there is one thing we NEVER regretted and that was embracing Josiah as our son fully from the beginning. It's almost like being pregnant. You never know if you'll miscarry at any moment in the pregnancy. Miscarriages happen a lot. And they are so incredibly painful at any stage in the pregnancy. But there was a child in your womb that God put in your life if only for a short period of time. Being a parent isn't contractual. There is no guarantee that you won't get hurt. And there is no guarantee that you'll reap any benefits of raising a child. There IS pain and there IS suffering as a parent. Think of God the Father and him losing His son, rather yet, offering up His only Son for people that take or leave His death and resurrection every single day. That's got to hurt. But He did it anyway. Because He's a Father who fully embraces parenthood and loves His children, unconditionally, whether they are technically His or not yet.

But don't get me wrong, I'm scared. There are moments when I wonder if this will turn out much like before and our son's birth mother will, in the end, decide to parent her child. I even had a dream or nightmare really, just last night that the birth father actually decided on the day of the birth, to parent. It was a really bad dream and I am expecting to have many more dreams and rough nights of sleep these next two months. There are obviously still wounds from before that are coming through that I need healing from. I need to TRUST fully in Jesus that we are going through this right now for a purpose and that God's purpose for my life is far greater than any of my plans and hopes.

So, we embrace you, our sweet son. We're waiting for you. We can't wait to meet you. To see your face for the first time. To whisper in your ear every single day how incredibly love you are. And how there is nothing you can ever do to change our unwavering love for you.

WE'RE HAVING A BABY!!!

This is one of the best blog posts I've ever written!! We've been matched!!!! A birth mother has chosen us and we're expecting a baby mid September!

I've thought about the day I would get "the call" from our caseworker for months. What would I be doing? Would Matt be with me? Well, God had a really, really cool way to give us the news. Over the fourth of July holiday, Matt and I and a bunch of our closest friends from VB and all of our siblings were in Pittsburgh for our good friends, Jamie and Tiffany's, wedding. Part of the wedding festivities that weekend was to go to a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game on the fourth of July. Matt was pumped beyond belief. He kept telling me that this was not just a baseball game but a Major League Baseball game. I had never been to an MLB game before. And Matt's favorite sport of all time is baseball. It's the closest to his heart because he played it all his life.

I'm sure Matt could beef up this part of the story better but I'll give it a try. It was the top of the sixth inning. The Pirates were making a comeback when I happened to look down at my phone that I was holding and saw it ringing. It was pretty loud in the stands to hearing it ring wouldn't have been possible. We were traveling with our sweet dog Bella and she was back at the hotel. The hotel always asks us to leave a phone number with them incase she barks too much. They would ask us to come pick her up. So getting a call in the middle of the game meant one thing in our minds, "oh Bella!"

But I noticed the area code (817) and knew that it could have been a Texas number. That's where our agency is located. But just weeks before, I was out to dinner with my good friend Tamice and thought our agency was calling because of the area code but it wasn't 817. It was 877. Boo. SO this time, I looked at it twice. IT WAS Texas!! But no need to get my hopes up prematurely, the agency calls sometimes with questions or to just check in. Yes, ALL of this ran through my head in the three seconds I stared at the number before answering.

So I answered and through the noise of the baseball game, I heard our caseworker say, "Kim, I have good news!!!". It was then that I thought to myself, "This is it. This is the call we had been longing for for months!" So I quickly tapped Matt on the leg, three times fast. He was busy watching the game. Ha! Matt immediately thought to himself, " Oh man, Bella! We're going to have to leave the game and pick her up from the hotel because she's barking, man!" He looked at me and said, "Bella?". I mouthed the words back, "It's Gladney!!" I started crying instantly and he knew this was NOT a call from our hotel about our dog. Haha! Our caseworker began giving us a run down of the information on the birth mother and baby. It was a lot of information, I was crying and it was pretty loud in the stands of a Major League Baseball game but I managed to remember a few key details to tell our family and friends.

It was then that I asked if it was a boy or girl. And our caseworker said, "It's a boy!". I told Matt. I could SO tell by the look on his face he was SO pumped. Here he was at a MLB game and he just found out God was giving him a son! My response to the news of having a son was really interesting and something I have spent the last few days thinking about a lot. Immediately, my heart literally cried out my son's name.  Which was really strange because Matt and I have had a few boy names that we've liked but had only really had one girl name that was a definite for us all these years. But the way my heart yelled out his name was really beautiful for me as a mom. It was like my heart recognized my son and called out his name. It was truly beautiful and something I'll never forget. We're still praying about our son's full name and will definitely let everyone know soon. We really want to give him a name soon. He has been without a name for the first 7 months of his in utero life so far. He needs a name. And he needs prayer from here on out, by name. So we'll keep ya'll posted soon on that!

Our amazing friends Angela and Josh Dart were sitting right next to us and I could tell that Angela had an idea that something VERY big was happening in the two seats next to us by the way the tears were streaming down my face while on the phone. It was really amazing to have all of our friends there with us. After we got off the phone, Matt and I quickly hugged and kissed and discussed if we should tell everyone, how could we not?! So we stood up in the stands and Matt said, "We're having a boy!!" to all of our friends and all of our siblings. It was really, really awesome. Our community is SO important to us and our son will be SO richly blessed by these people so to get the news with all of them there, was insanely special for us. We wouldn't have wanted to get the news any other way. God outdid Himself with this. :)

These photos were taken, by Christi Hamrick, just seconds after telling our family the news! Thank you Christi for capturing these moments that will forever mean SO much to us and our son. 

I'm sure this post brings about a lot of questions so I will write more on what's next for us in the process from here on out, soon. I just wanted to share the news! We're SO incredibly excited and blessed and honored that this beautiful birth mom would choose us! She needs your prayers these last couple of months because this decision is not easy at all. She does have the right to change her mind until 48 hours after the birth but she has been counseled really well and seems to be really firm in this decision. Even with the fear of her changing her mind, we can not help but embrace our son, fully, from here on out. Pray for us, for our son, for the birth mother and birth father. Thanks so so much for your support and love. Without our community, our adoption would not be possible. You all are a part of something very, very beautiful. 

And from here on out, I will definitely always be a big fan of America's pastime, the beautiful game of baseball. Go Pirates!

In it for the long haul

I wish I had more of an update for you all. I wish I were sitting her excitedly typing the words that we got "the call"...but unfortunately, I'm not. We've officially been approved and waiting for a referral now for exactly 6 months. I have to say, the time has actually flown by! I've personally been doing really great with the wait... until recently. The wait has just started to get difficult these last couple of weeks. And honestly, I feel really silly because we've only been waiting for 6 months. Adoption takes time, a lot of time, usually. Don't ask me exactly why. You'd think there were tons of babies out there...but the truth of the matter is that there really aren't. With abortion SO prevalent and easily accessible and even condoned and encouraged these days, families wishing to be parents have a long waiting line when it comes to parenthood. I read an article once that said that there are about 36 couples for every one baby available for adoption. So we're planning to just hunker down for a long wait ahead.

 But I'm excited because the summer is here and I finally get to put together the nursery. Yes, I'm starting on the nursery even before we get a referral. This is just a really great time for me to dedicate time to it since I won't be working this summer. I can take it slow and really enjoy the process of preparing for our little one. I'll be spending the first few weeks of summer painting the room that will one day hold a precious little soul that we'll call our child. I absolutely LOVE painting. I've spent many of hours painting different rooms in our house. It's a really great time to pray, actually. It soothes my ADD mind by doing something physical while my heart and mind pray. You better believe I'll be praying it up for our little child. My heart can't help but jump at the thought that our little son or daughter could actually be alive in his/her mother's womb right now!

While recently I've been struggling with the wait. I have to remember that it's not about me at all. This whole adoption isn't about Matt and I getting a kid. God has a really huge plan for everyone involved in this. He has a plan for their/our salvation and He's using this adoption in that plan. When I'm impatient about waiting...I have to remember that there is a woman out there  at this very moment making a very, very brave but hard decision. As I am eagerly preparing to say hello...there is a woman out there preparing her heart to say goodbye. I can only imagine how heavy that must feel to her. I remember clearly the heartache of saying goodbye to Josiah just two and a half years ago after only spending one week with him. I can only imagine carrying a child in your womb for nine months and then having to do the same. That's a bravery and a beauty that most of the world never gets to witness or experience. Adoption is a decision that so closely resembles God's love for us. This woman who is choosing life and adoption for her child, is acting like our heavenly Father even if she doesn't realize it. It's so beautiful. And we'll be so forever grateful to her for her act of pure love shown to her child... and to us.

"A child born to another woman calls me mom. The depth of the tragedy and the magnitude of that privilege are not lost on me. " Jody Landers

Unashamed

So, it has been quite a while since my last blog post. I'm sorry. Life has been busy and frankly there hasn't been much to write about on the adoption front, really. We got our first check up call from our case worker yesterday. She just wanted to check in to see how we were doing. But let me tell you, when I see that Texas area code, no matter how early we are in the waiting process, my heart jumps...a lot. After that call, I was just shaken up a bit last night. I'm not quite sure why and can't quite figure out if it was a good shaken up or a bad. Just shaken up. It excited me especially because sometimes you feel like you're really not even in the adoption process when you get stuck in this quiet waiting time where you really don't have much to work on in the process and you hear nothing from your agency. But it also saddened me a little, just knowing that it wasn't THAT call that we desire so badly. I know, I know, we've only been waiting two months...just seems like forever sometimes. :) So bare with me during the wait. :)

In the meantime, Matt and I are working hard at studying to become expert parents. Ha! We are required to take parent prep classes offered locally throughout our waiting time and we had our first class last week. It was good to be doing something because it reminds you during the quiet waiting time, that we really are expecting a child! When you aren't physically carrying a child, there isn't that minute by minute reminder. So, the classes are nice. It also has Matt and I talking a lot about our parenting styles, wants and desires for our child and family.

As I begin to prepare to become a mom, I feel like God has been exposing me a lot lately. Just all around, showing me the things I need to continue to work on in my heart and life to be the best mom I can be and to bring my child further into holiness. Being exposed hurts but God's carefully showing me things He desires for me and my child.

Worthiness is something I struggle with, a lot. I'm sure, to an extent, we all do. But growing up in a broken home with no father figure has left a permanent mark on my heart. My life has felt like a constant struggle to "measure up" so that others will love me. I'm competitive in nature, but that partially comes from deep rooted brokenness. Sure, my competitive spirit has it's good moments, I try hard at everything I do, I am physically active and it helps me accomplish things I never thought I could, like a half marathon last summer but it also has it's major downfalls.  It's hard to truly enjoy life and people when you don't think others accept you for you and see you as God sees you. You always feel inadequate.

My friend,Cristina, recently posted on facebook a blog post she came across about make up wearing and raising children. You can check out the blog post here. That blog led me to another blog post called "I'm not pretty enough." Violet, age 3. Ouch. Just the title of that blog has you thinking, huh?

This blog post really had me examine my mindset behind make up and how I have been personally chained to cosmetics for a decade and a half. Ouch. When I was younger, I wore make up because I struggled with acne. Then I began wearing eye make up and eventually, somewhere quickly, it became impossible for me to leave the house without it. I no longer loved my eyes. I felt like they were too small or not feminine enough. Eye liner and mascara gave me the eyes I loved. But this week, I have heard the Lord whisper, ever so gently, as I have stopped wearing make up for a couple of days, "Those are the eyes, I love".

Now, I work from home, with babies, so not wearing make up to work for me is, well...pretty easy so I'm not claiming to be a super hero here. But hey, it's a start. I do see other friends and adults daily as they drop off their fresh faced beautiful babies every day...so, I would say I am a little exposed, right?

This is not an Arbonne plug...okay maybe it is. But I have also begun using some of the Arbonne facial products like moisturizers and cleansers and it has also given me another reason to begin to think about what I am putting on my face and how I am taking care of my skin. I had no idea that cosmetics in our country are barely regulated by the FDA. And that there are so many toxins in our make up. I find it so insulting that our society says that women need to wear make up, use hair spray, etc. to be acceptable but then they don't even regulate it. Did you know that tar is used in mascara? Whaa?? Crazy. Materials are used in make up that can't be used anywhere else because it is considered waste. So, we're putting WASTE on our face??? Nice.

Okay, enough ranting about the ingredients of make up. There is more to it than going green or being healthy. I'm more worried about my interior health and what that will say to our one day, child. Whether it be a son or daughter, our child will learn that they are loved and valued by God through us as parents, first. And they will learn that most profoundly through our example. That's rather scary considering that's my biggest spiritual struggle. I have always said that I don't want my daughter wearing make up until she is 18. Or dying her hair until she can afford it herself (after age 18), and I'm not talking about a $7.99 box color, but at a high end salon where it is done right.  But there is more to parenting than setting rules, I have to live by example. I'm not quite sure how I plan to live that out. Thankfully, I have a little time to figure it out. I'm going to be honest. I don't plan on giving up make up entirely. I actually am quite passionate about make up and hair. And it's a little known dream of mine to do hair for a living, one day. I just LOVE being in salons ha! Ask my hair dresser, she can hardly keep me out of there! I love that make up, hair and fashion are fun ways to express ourselves, artistically.  I love the challenge of conquering unruly hair into a fun style. Or wearing make up according to my mood or the occasion. I know that you can absolutely be a holy women of God who also loves fashion and style! I don't think there is anything wrong with this...but it becomes wrong when I hide behind those things or can't see the light of day without  "putting my face on". It's a scary pit to climb out of. But it's so incredibly important to be comfortable in your own skin for your children's holiness.

Children's faces are so beautiful because they are untouched and pure just like their little souls. Shouldn't we all be striving to get back to being the spotless bride of Christ? But we spend our entire lives, covering up, not only our sins, but our beauty, too. It's important, at least for me, to learn to be exposed more often. And I plan to try. So...if you happen to see me not wearing make up or wearing considerably less make up, know that it's not easy and I could use some prayers because, well, I'm trying.

Today I am taking the first step out of the pit by going to lunch with my sister and nephew without make up...yes, in a public place, with real people. And I even plan to look people in the eye and hold my head up, rather than looking down or away. Why? Because God made me, and He doesn't make mistakes, like ever.

Have you been chained to cosmetics? How do you plan to expose God's beautiful creation, untouched, for all the world to see? Trust me, it's scary but incredibly freeing.

                                                       Unashamed beauty.

"Do not let your adorning be external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious."- 1 Peter 3:3-4

"You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you."- Song of Solomon 4:7

Adoption Q & A

I decided to jot down some questions we've been asked since the announcing of our adoption. We love, love, love that so much dialogue has happened since we've told people of our desire and plan to adopt. Please continue to ask questions. We're learning in this process, too. Chances are we've had a lot more time and prayer put into shaping our hearts for adoption than you have, and we'd love to share our hearts with you.

Why are you adopting? Is it because you can't conceive? 

Adoption, in no way, is a plan B for us. We've had the desire to adopt long before we realized that conception would be difficult for us. Financial fears held us back for a long, long time. Until we realized that God is able to do more than we can even ask or imagine. We believe deeply that a desire to be parents... was not, to simply, pass on our genes.

Why choose a domestic option rather than international? Aren't you afraid what happened with Josiah will happen again? Isn't international just safer...emotionally?

There are risks with any adoption, both international and domestic. We aren't afraid of birth mothers. In fact, we feel called to meet with courageous birth moms and be a witness to our love for each other and for the Lord through meeting with the mother of our child. With domestic adoption, yes, birth mothers can change their minds. With international adoptions you have countries and governments changing their mind. We have seen many friends wait for a child internationally for over two years only to have that country decide to close adoptions. Adoption both domestic and international is risky business...but so so worth it. We are completely open to adopting internationally in the future. But for now, domestic is where we feel most called.

Why did you choose and agency all the way in Texas? Aren't there ones closer?
Yes, there are. Plenty. But after talking with many people, researching agencies in VA and even attending some local orientations, we didn't feel those agencies had the professionalism and track record that we were looking for. Our agency has been doing adoptions for 125 years. We also know people who have used the agency and were thrilled with them. We also found it difficult to find an agency these days that don't offer "snowflake babies", or embryonic adoption. That's something that we don't morally agree with and don't want to support an agency that offers that.


Why not do a private adoption? Aren't they SO much cheaper?

I could probably answer this question with two words. Go here.
But I'll spare you the super long blog post. Yes, private adoptions are less expensive but we've been there and done that. For us, it was a difficult experience. When working with an agency (especially our agency in particular), proper counseling is provided to all involved along with them acting as the mediator in the adoption. We feel at peace with using an agency. We appreciate the many people who have offered their advice of putting an ad in the paper or going through a pastor who matches up birth moms with adoptive parents on their own but we just can't risk our hearts in that way again...at least, not right now.

Will you accept a baby who's mother took drugs?

In the land of adoption, there is no "perfect baby"...but we DO know that our baby will be perfect to us.  We feel strongly that the Lord led these women to choose adoption, to choose life and that is so so amazing in a world that shoves abortion down the throats of vulnerable and scared women.  We feel called to caring for children who need parents. period. We're not looking for a "perfect baby" or a "perfect birth mom".  If we were, I personally don't think we'd be really ready to parent because having a perfect child on your hip like a super-cute-accessory isn't what God calls us to. He wants us to help bring babies to heaven, regardless if the babies have issues, drug related or not.  We're open for what God wants for our lives. We're on a mission and sometimes you get dirty, being on the battlefield for souls.

Are you open to a child of another race?

Yes. In fact, we're signed up for that! When we began this adoption adventure, we were told by Gladney that there was a need. A need for couples to adopt children who are African American and/or Biracial. Matt and I have both always felt more than fine with loving a child of any race unconditionally....so, why not? We are in the African American and Biracial Child's program at Gladney and we couldn't be more thrilled. Josiah, the little boy we adopted but ended up having to give back was biracial. We instantly loved him to pieces and saw him as truly our son. Just as God sees each of us as His sons and daughters...regardless of race.

Those are just a few questions, for now, that I can think of. If you have any more, please feel free to ask! I'd love to address them to you personally OR on this blog. I also plan on going more in depth with some of these questions in future posts...so stay tuned! :)

Baby Hamrick's Room

As if it weren't enough that this little child will be brought to us through a community that has helped provide the way for us to adopt and that he/she will be forever surrounded by that community, but our child's very ROOM will represent and forever be a reminder to him/her and Matthew and I, of the love our community has for our family.  And most importantly, the amazing and perfect love the Lord has for our son or daughter.

I began pinteresting, pretty quickly, ideas for our nursery, once we were officially official, of course. We've had six plus years to look forward to this and an especially paperwork-type busy four months that we hadn't really had the time to stop and enjoy the little things of beginning a family like decorating the nursery!  Not to mention the fact that I absolutely LOVE to decorate. It's kind of a passion/hobby, I guess.

Once I began pinteresting my ideas, blessings began to flow on completing our sweet nursery.  I have had so many people offer to help make something for our sweet baby's room! My mother-in-love is making our entire crib bedding, curtains and even reupholstering our rocker and ottoman (that we got for an awesome price via craigslist! woot!). God bless that woman!  My mom is knitting a blanket for us. My sister is painting us a picture for some wall decor and so is an old cheerleading friend, Allison, from high school that is an artist! We even have a blessed friend, Isaac, that has offered to hand make a wood table to sit beside my rocker. Incredible. We have friends that have offered an accent rug, the VERY rug I pinned on pinterest. Amazing. We have a beautiful cousin, Laura, that is going to hand make an owl mobile.

I just can't believe it. Literally, every piece of the nursery will have something made by someone that loves our little baby. I really feel like our baby's room will be a beautiful representation of all the love our community near and far has for our child. It will forever remind us that this community helped the Lord bring this child to us. It is a tangible reminder of God's providence. It will be beautiful and it will be so full of love.

So for the next several months (hopefully not too too long!), I will be DIY-ing or pinteresting lots of little touches like our nursery light fixture, etc. to keep me busy during this wait that I know will seem like forever to us. Keep us in prayer during the next year as we wait. Our anxious hearts will probably grow weary at times so your prayers and encouraging words will be appreciated. The adoption timeline is unknown which will only lead us to grasping onto the Lord for comfort, strength and faith. One of the most amazing aspects of adoption is the fact that it continually keeps your control freak factor in check since you simply have no control in adoption.  It's kind of cool. It stretches you as a person. Okay, mark those words because I'm pretty sure six months from now, when we're still waiting, I'll take them back ;)

This journey is not nearly over. It has just begun. Can't wait to see how God is going to work. :)

Identity and Inheritance

An awesome video sermon about adoption given by a pastor at The Summit Church in North Carolina (our friend's, Matt and Catherine's, church). It's an awesome message about what the gospel says about adoption.

Enjoy. :)

Adoption: Identity and Inheritance

Fundraising Update

Yesterday was amazing. I can't even begin to describe the love that engulfed the New Creation Center yesterday for our Benefit Concert. We weren't quite sure how many tickets were sold prior to the event, maybe 70 or so. But I had heard that a few people couldn't make it and knew others might not be able to either because of the snow or other things. But people just kept coming..more chairs had to be put out and we hit our max for the event which was 100 people! We couldn't believe it. But the most lovely part of the whole thing was seeing faces, young and old, laughing and enjoying the moment.

Our uncle plays old time music in a band called  The Company Store. But really, it's sort of a comedy where they bring the audience into the lives of these simple people from this simple town. And for two hours, people's worries and anxieties of every day life, are swept away with wholesome laughter and good music.  There were lots of families there, with lots of little kids who danced in the aisles to the band's tunes.  Even infants seemed to be encapsulated by the music. For a moment, it was hard to tell who's families were whose. Everyone was holding everyone else's kids. Pure joy, a sense of true community and fun filled that place yesterday. I know God was tickled pink to see his sons and daughters live.

Our uncle plays in a band...but really, it's more than that. It's a ministry. 

Between the ticket sales and additional donations, once again our community blessed us far more than we could ask or imagine. We made $1,800 thanks to our uncle and his band, the New Creation Renewal Center, my mother-in-love for organizing, my family for baking cookies and the generosity of people who love us and love life. This amount was far more than we even imagined. 

Through dealing with, coping with, somehow trying to remain faithful through infertility, I must admit that there were serious times of doubt of God's love for me and even His providence in my life. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't allow us to conceive. Why He wouldn't provide a child for us.  Especially when it came so easily for my friends and family.  I had some dark moments with the Lord over the past six years.  But I see, so clearly, now, that He has wanted to provide for us. That He promised He would...but that it would look differently than I had originally expected. It would look different because He has a calling on our lives that is unique to us.  He was waiting, patiently, for us to say, "Yes, Lord let it be done to me according to your will". And now it seems God is showing us over and over again that He is faithful and He provides. 

It has been almost four months since we said yes to God and began our adoption journey. Four months...four months and He has provided ALL that we need for our adoption...no really, ALL that we need. We are fully funded. We have our adoption cost, travel cost, post placement cost, even our final adoption attorney fee. God not only provided but He did so, quickly, I believe, so that we can enjoy the coming months of anticipation and focus on preparing spiritually to become parents. He not only provides but He does so, perfectly. 

Tears have filled our eyes so many times over the past few months as our eyes have been opened by the love the Lord has for us and the love our community has for us. Mostly, we are overwhelmed with joy that our little son or daughter will get the chance to truly know and experience God through each and every one of you. 

Your support no matter how big or small, whether through financial means or through prayer has rocked our lives and will directly impact the life of a child. And our family's mission will go on to be a witness to what a culture of life looks like in our world. 

From the deepest part of our hearts, thank you. 

We've Been Busy

We've been busy. So has God. So, it's officially official...we're official! Ha! No really, we have our home study, we're legit. Our agency has approved it and has approved us to adopt! We're double, legit. We have been assigned a caseworker and we've spoken with her a few times. She is awesome. This is another way God has moved. A few weeks ago when I was corresponding with the lady that was handling our application phase of the process, she had mentioned that once we were approved, we'd be assigned to a lady named Meagan that would be our caseworker. This was fine...but deep down I had really wanted this other caseworker that we met at orientation back in August. She gave the entire domestic adoption overview and we really really liked her. After all, she too has a dog named Bella. ;) But really, I wanted to request her but didn't want to cause waves especially since they were already going to assign us this other lady. Little did I know that God would hear my even unspoken desires and take care of it. A couple of weeks later we got an awesome email from the application lady congratulating us that we were approved to adopt, our approval packet was on the way and that our caseworker had been changed...TO the lady I wanted!!! She said that it was per her request because she had remembered us from orientation...how cool is that??!! There were twenty other couples there. That's pretty awesome.

A couple of days later, we got our first introductory call from our caseworker! If you don't know what a caseworker is in the adoption process...she's kind of a big deal. She is the one we will be talking with the most for the rest of the journey. She's the one that will give our book to birth mothers and match us with a birth mom. She's the one that will be giving us the call when we are finally matched! She's someone we have to really be comfortable with. And God provided. We couldn't be more thrilled or amazed at God's sovereignty amazing attention to the detail of our hearts. He's good.

We finished a HUGE step in the process this week. We finished the dreaded Profile Book...okay not dreaded but it was incredibly overwhelming for me. This is a twenty page shutterfly book that will have  a huge part in a birth mom's selection of us.  Seriously, how do you portray who you really are in a twenty page picture book?  With lots of hard work with the husband...we finished it.  Our caseworker reviewed/edited it and loved it. (whew!) It's ordered and even shipped off to Texas to our agency. Once they get it...we are officially waiting for a referral. Let me stop. Did I just say those words? We're waiting for a referral?? This is definitely a moment I have thought about for a long time.

Needless to say, the moment we were approved I began pinteresting nursery ideas. :) I've sort of waited six years to do this...so it's pretty exciting even though I could have potentially a year to plan this nursery (let's pray not!). Not to mention, I LOVE to decorate in general. We've done a lot of work over the last four months...applications, home study, profile book, etc. We're so ready for a little fun. I am pretty sure Matt thinks it's cute how I've begun to plan for the nursery. I'll post a little more on that later. It's definitely going to be a room of nothing but love to the little life that will fill it. I'm pretty excited. Our nursery is shaping up to be a beautiful depiction of a community of people loving on this little one...and that makes me oh so happy.

Though through all of this fun and excitement, there is a very real realization that Matt and I have this week that adoption does not come without loss. A child is, yes gaining a mother and father through adoption, but also losing a mother and father at the same time. A mother is losing a child...even if that is a choice she wants to and is ready to make. Real lives are involved. I, no doubt, will be thinking of my little one and his birth mother especially tomorrow as people march through the streets of D.C. peacefully asking for an end to legalized abortion. I am praying for our future birth mother and all mothers as they face difficult decisions. I pray they will choose life...and see the amazing beauty that comes with that decision either through mothering their child or choosing adoption.  I pray that christian families would be open to discerning whether God wants adoption to be a part of their family plan.  There is loss...but there is redemption and beauty through adoption.

Forever Home

Taking a moment to take the attention off our story and directing it towards our dear friends who have just recently been united with their daughter from Congo. Their story is amazing. It shows the glory of God and that living out His call isn't always the easy road. It's one of courageous perseverance and a surrendering of our will for His. It's about triumph over the evils of the world with God's amazing love story through the institution of the marriage covenant and family. The old testament is soaked with stories of families. God chooses to tell His salvation story through family. And this is just another way He is revealing His passionate desire for us...through the Allison family. We're blessed to know them. We're blessed by their authentic faith and passionate desire to know Jesus. Without them, we would not have had the courage to step out in faith to pursue our heart for adoption.

God is good. He is faithful. Watch Him work... Take Me Home

If you'd like to read more about their adoption story and how their adjusting to being a family of five, check out Catherine's blog. Allison Antics

Christmas Miracles

I've been thinking for days on how to write this blog post. I knew that I needed to show God's amazing glory but have felt so so limited on being able to truly express how really incredible He is. We've been blown away in this adoption process and I have a feeling that's not going to end any time soon. All we said was a simple (and a bit scared!) "yes" to His will on adopting and God has ran with it ...for miles.

This Christmas, we've been given an incredible gift, a spiritual life change. We've truly witnessed and experienced first hand what Christmas really is. God sent his son for us...to live and die for us while we were/are in our transgressions. And He continues to forgive our sins today in the awesome sacrament of reconciliation. And you know what? It's FREE! No, really, it's free. I'll let that sink in.

It's free. There isn't a stinkin' thing you can do about it. Or make up for it. Just ask for forgiveness whole heartedly and freedom and forgiveness is yours. You're a new creation. It's grace!

And that's...humbling. This Christmas we've experienced the kind of love and generosity and provision from the Lord that is almost TOO much, too soon. Let me clarify that, we are incredibly thankful for God providing and loving on us and want it no other way. But, at least for me, in my humanity, I feel almost unworthy of all this goodness..I'm in complete and utter awe of how much God is loving me through this adoption process. I feel like I've tasted a tiny glimpse of heaven and how with being in the presence of Jesus (like all the time!) will completely envelope and overwhelm me. Yet, without the stain of sin in heaven, we'll be even more able and open to receive God's overwhelming love. Whoa. Although, I still DO feel like I'll feel overwhelmed by His love, even in heaven. Because, I mean, it's God!! :)

Experiencing God's unconditional love this Christmas all started out on Christmas morning where I opened a present that would unknowingly blow me away...yes, I received a Peyton Manning Broncos jersey from my brother and sister in law.  :) Okay, but for real, on to even more awesomeness. Yes, there's more than Peyton bliss!

Every Christmas my family picks names out of a hat and we have a $50 cap on a present for the person you pick. It has really been great the last couple of years with growing families and budgets and also getting back to what Christmas is ultimately about, spending time with loved ones and thanking the Lord for them, rather than being consumed with too many presents. Well, this year, my family showed us  in a deeper way than I think THEY even realized what Christmas is really about.

As my Grandmother opened the first gift of Christmas, she took out a check from the box that she opened. She said, "Oh look, it's a check! And it's made out to Matt and Kim." Wow, I thought that was so sweet for my Gram to ask for her gift from my aunt (who chose her name) to be a donation to us and our adoption. Little did I know, there was more...The next present was opened by another family member and it was the same thing...a check in a box made out to us for our adoption. At this point, my mind had finally put it together, especially as I looked up and saw a video camera glaring at me and a few dozen eyes staring at me with love. They had ALL chosen to not buy presents for each other...but to donate what they would have spent for Christmas to us...to our baby. I immediately broke down into tears. I wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for that kind of love. They then shoved ALL the presents towards us and we had to open each and every wrapped box that contained a check for us. It was humbling. It was overwhelming. We were undeserving. We were amazed. They showed Christ to us in ways they may never understand. They've  played a part in deepening our faith. They've touched us eternally.

And most importantly what an amazing story to share with our child one day. To tell him or her of the love their family has for them and to share an example of Christ's free love and grace to us through that moment. This Christmas is truly having eternal and spiritual effects. You see, adoption, like I've said and am continuing to grasp even deeper, is WAY more than us "getting" a kid or fulfilling that "picture perfect" family: husband, house, kid, dog, etc. Adoption is not liked by the enemy because it has God's glorious and eternal effects on all those involved. It takes us outside of ourselves. It causes us to stretch in faith. And as we've witnessed, causes others to do the same along side with us. We've seen people give to us for our adoption from their hearts and faith. We know that giving to others outside of your normal tithe is not an easy thing in these tough economic times. But we see love, sacrifice and most importantly faith with each check that we receive. And there is no way we can thank people enough.

Speaking of God's free and beautiful gift. We received just a couple of days after Christmas another overwhelming example of Christ's love for us. We received in the mail a card that was congratulating us on our future baby. You know, like a baby shower card. And in it was a VERY substantial donation with several hundred dollar bills. But the card wasn't signed at all and there was no return address...talk about humbling! We both fell to our knees and cried when we received it. I think I remember looking at Matt with tear filled eyes and a squeaky voice saying, "honey, this is ridiculous!" Haha Sorry, that's just how I felt! We were in complete awe. It was just Christ's love poured out over and over to us this Christmas.  But in our humanity, we were immediately "upset" that we didn't know WHO the generous giver was! Ever fiber in our being wanted to be able to somehow pay that person back by thanking them every day for life! But again, we couldn't. It was free, unconditional, generous love.

What in the world!?!?! God is amazing and so are the community of believers that surround us. This will forever be a Christmas to remember and I only wish that they keys on this computer weren't so stinkin' limiting on truly expressing how much this really touched us this Christmas. How joyful we are of the things to come in 2013 and how incredibly happy we feel to be bringing a child into this kind of overwhelming love. This kid isn't going to know what hit them! Pray for us as we continue on to the next steps in the process. We are finished with our home study and just waiting for the "official" approval from Gladney (any day now! eeek!!) Which means we'll officially be "waiting" for a referral, although this next part of the process is always the longest. Pray for us. Pray for our baby as he/she may already be conceived! Pray for the birth mother and father. Pray. :)