Rain, Coffee and Adoption

There is nothing better than a lazy rainy Saturday morning with a hot cup of coffee in hand, writing about something I love...adoption. I wanted to take the moment to share more about Gladney and the adoption process with them. We originally heard about Gladney through our awesome friends, Matt and Catherine who were in the process of adopting a child from Rwanda through them. They had nothing but awesome words to say about Gladney as an organization. They had heard about Gladney through others in their church that had adopted through them. Nothing but good words about an adoption agency was something we had been searching for for years. Before we were blessed with the random act of God in our private (not agency assisted) adoption of Josiah, we had researched agencies and talked with people who had first hand experience with those agencies and always came up with negative experiences with the local agencies we had researched. We realized quickly that choosing the right agency was half of the battle in this entire process. I mean, after all, $20,000-$40,000 and your hearts are on the line. So this time around, we decided to check out Gladney Center for Adoption, though it was all the way in Fortworth, Texas!

Luckily, we had family who lived in Texas at the time (they have since moved back to VA...talk about good timing!). So we were able to make it a long comfortable trip to Texas. We stayed with my aunt Bobbi for five nights and she so graciously showed us around Texas. Our trip was amazing! Good food, town festivals, the Stockyards, I sat on a long horn! And most importantly, we had an amazing time at the Gladney orientation. The orientation was a full eight hour day filled with non-stop information about the step by step process of adoption through them. We heard from the CEO, financial director, legal director, caseworkers, social media director, real birth moms and real adoptive parents who have all recently been through the process with Gladney. Our heads hurt once the day ended... but in a good way. :) They truly made our trip to Texas worth it. We left with a huge binder of information to take home to read over and mounds of paperwork to fill out if we indeed wanted to begin the process with them. After the long eight hour orientation, we sat in a local Texas burger joint with my aunt and we excitedly told her about every detail of the orientation. I can not tell you enough how amazingly awesome it was to have family there to process it all with immediately after. She was a support to us in ways that I don't think she will ever quite realize. God was all over our entire trip, from amazing air fair deals to having family in town. All of our questions about the agency and about the process were answered and we had a definite confidence and peace with Gladney. After a lot of prayer and about a month of saving, preparing and paperwork, we are in it with Gladney for the long haul!

It Takes a Village

This is our support letter which, I feel, God inspired me  to write months ago even before us going through the adoption process was a definite go. I sat down and just wrote what my heart was longing and we haven't changed it since (except for a few grammatical things by my awesome technical writing husband :).  It's pretty humbling and scary to ask for money from people not knowing the response you'll receive but all trust and faith is in the Lord and faith and trust is in the people around us that know us and know our story. Please read it, pray about it and feel free to contact me for information on how you can donate to bringing our long awaited baby home. My email address is hamrick.kimberly@gmail.com. We now have a Paypal account up on our blog so your donations can be quick and easy and not cost you an envelope and a stamp. Thank you for your love and support and most importantly prayers through this process.


Dear Family and friends,

Incase you hadn’t heard, we are expecting!!!  We’re expecting to adopt a little baby boy or girl.  After years of praying for our future children, God has called us to adoption.  Many of you are aware of our journey thus far and know how deeply we’ve desired to raise a child to love and serve the Lord.   We have been through quite a journey to this point but we’re overcome with excitement now that we are taking this leap of faith.  God first put adoption on our hearts years ago and has, time and time again, reminded us of his command to love and care for the orphan.  He has taught us, through much prayer, the deep spiritual connection of adoption in that we are all adopted sons and daughters of our Father in heaven.  In Romans 8:15-16, St. Paul tells us that the spirit we have received as Christians has brought us into an adopted relationship with God, “through which we cry, ‘Abba, Father!’  The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God.”  We are heirs through our adoption; God has chosen us.  And now God has decided to form our family through adoption.  We deeply believe that earthly adoption is an amazing witness and example of the Gospel and we feel strongly called to participate in this beautiful story of our faith.

It is amazing to see how God has worked in our life and in our marriage to get us to this point.  We’ve done extensive research and have decided upon an adoption agency in Texas called Gladney Center for Adoption.  We personally have friends who have used Gladney in their adoption endeavor and have highly recommended them.  We recently visited the agency and are extremely impressed with them, their staff, professionalism, and expertise.  Gladney, a non-profit, is one of the oldest adoption agencies in the United States and a highly respected adoption agency that has been doing domestic infant adoptions for 125 years.  We have chosen to adopt domestically through this awesome organization.
You may be asking, “How does this concern me?”  First, we ask you, our dear friends and family, to pray.   We have been praying for our future children for years and we know that our child will need all the prayers he/she can get as they may be growing in his/her mother’s womb at this very moment.  Please, also, pray for our child’s birth mother, as making the decision to place her child for adoption is not easy but is so incredibly courageous, especially in a culture that condones and even encourages abortion.  Pray for her heart and her life, that she will experience the Lord through adoption.  And thank the Lord for her decision to choose life!

We would also like to ask that you prayerfully consider supporting us financially, as adoption is very expensive.  The cost of the domestic program we have been accepted into will end up costing us around $20,000.  This cost includes home study fees, attorney fees, adoptive and birth parent counseling (plus many more agency services), and any other costs that the agency will need in providing transitional care for our child from it’s birth until he or she is united with us.  It is humbling to say, but we are relying on the Lord to provide as we do not have $20,000 at this time.  We are working hard to save, but also believe in a God that can do anything when He moves, and we know with every fiber of our being that He has led us here.  Therefore, we’re trusting and we’re asking you to help us in giving a baby boy or girl a loving home and an amazing Christian community.  Everyday, we thank the Lord for the blessing of awesome Christian friends and family that surround us.  Our hearts jump with joy at the thought that we will be able to give that experience to a little boy or girl that may otherwise have never experienced Christian community in their lives.

We truly appreciate your support in this amazing journey of adoption.  We also pray that we will be a witness to the beauty of adoption and our journey will compel others to care for the orphans in a world where there is such a great need.  God bless you and we again thank you with all of our hearts for your support, prayers, and friendship.

Sincerely,

Matt and Kim

We're Expecting!!!!

The two words I have been longing to say for SO long....we're expecting!!! Our journey to live out God's plan for our lives in starting a family has been one of ups and downs but one that has brought us to places in our relationship with Christ and with each other that we could have never imagined. Through our trial, God has taught us that it is in the suffering that we truly grow closer with his Son and we learn more of what love truly is. Love is suffering. Just look at the cross. The most ultimate gift of love to humanity. We have also learned what it means to turn inward, towards each other in the midst of pain rather than away. Our society today screams, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going". But over and over again, the bible shows us a God that turns ever more towards us in our times of trial. We see Christ in the garden of Gethsemane...in the midst of immense pain, turning towards God in prayer. So over the past six plus years of marriage and twelve total years of being together, whether we be on a mountain top of joy or in the garden on our knees, we have learned to turn inward towards each other and our eyes to our Father in heaven.

So...let's get to that mountain top of joy, shall we? Yes, you have heard it right, we're expecting! We're expecting to adopt through an agency called, Gladney and we can't be more thrilled. It is something that has been on our hearts for so so long and we're actually taking the leap of faith and trusting in God's calling and the deep desire to adopt he has placed on our hearts for years. Honestly, I can't really tell you how it exactly happened that we take this leap of faith but a few months ago I was praying about our future and the possibility of adoption that Matt and I had always kept out hearts open to and it dawned on me pretty clearly...God calls...no, commands us to care for orphans over and over again in scripture. Matt and I desire to adopt...what's holding us back? I will tell you....finances. Adopting through an agency whether domestic or abroad is incredibly expensive ranging anywhere from $20,000 to $45, 000. But one day after prayer it dawned on me that the fears that I was believing in were not who God is. A God that doesn't provide for us isn't the God I believe in... I believe in a God that says, "I am the good Shepherd" John 10:11.

The Good Shepherd tends to his flock, cares for them, provides for them, even lays down his life for them. That's my God and I was tired of believing otherwise. So from that moment on I heard the voice of my Shepherd and I had a real faith in Christ, the Good Shepherd. Sure, I have had quick moments of insanity since, where my fears get the best of me...but overall, over the last few months, I have had a real and divine sense of peace about the financial aspects of our adoption. Sometimes I think God has given that sense of assurance to me so that I can really focus on the other aspects that I may have some difficulty with especially after our experience with adoption before.. I truly believe that God will provide the finances for us to adopt and I truly believe He will bring us the baby that He intends to be our son or daughter for forever. This road will be long and I am certain in won't be easy (although, I'll take easy for sure!) but I know that through it all, Matt and I will grow ever more closer to each other and to Christ. And one day a little tiny baby will have parents who will love them and teach them of our awesome God, the Good Shepherd.

                                                       Photo taken by our sweet sister-in-love, Christi Hamrick

Healing: Mind, Body and Soul

After about seven months of healing from our son being taken from us, we decided to look deeper into what was going on with me physically that made it impossible for us, thus far, to have a child biologically. We signed up to learn the Creighton Model of Natural Family Planning. We had heard through friends who also had a difficult time conceiving that this was an amazing system with a network of Catholic doctors who might be able to help. We traveled every two weeks to Richmond to the, at that time, closest Creighton Instructor.  It was an amazing experience to learn the method and learn more about our bodies. We chose to use the days traveling there as getaway days or date days. We'd stop somewhere and have lunch and just enjoy the car rides together. Our instructor was wonderful and we began to be true believers in this method even though we hadn't even achieved pregnant with it. After a couple of months of charting, we were able to see a Napro Doctor. This system of doctors use Napro Technology. They have the mindset in the fertility world to actually get to the root of the problem of each individual woman and fix it so that she can conceive as naturally as possible. This is the exact opposite of the mindset of most all fertility doctors today.

The closest Napro doctor was in Pennsylvania. So we made the drive to visit Dr. Stegman. Upon an examination and studying my charting and past fertility records from the clinic we first visited a couple of years prior, he came to the conclusion that he did not think that I had polycystic ovaries at all but that I might have endometriosis which would not show up on any ultrasound or anything. It is the type of thing that requires surgery to really find out if I did in fact have it. This was a shock! He was saying that I was completely  misdiagnosed prior and that he thought I had endometriosis though I did not seem to show any of the usual symptoms that you hear about. But somehow, I trusted him and I trusted the Creighton Model system and it's 30 years of research behind it and this network of Catholic doctors. So surgery was scheduled...for Dec. 23rd. Merry Christmas to me!

We traveled to Pennsylvania and I had  laprascopic surgery. My first surgery ever. I asked Matt beforehand if after the surgery we could order Papa Johns pizza and watch HGTV in the hotel room because I was sure I'd want to rest. Little did I know that I would end up spending the night in the hospital because of my strong and bad reaction to the anesthesia. It was a four hour surgery and was pretty rough on my body. He did, however, find endometriosis! He was able to blast it away with his magical laser. Pretty cool stuff. He also took a first hand look at my ovaries and again confirmed that I was not polycystic. Crazy. I remember coming to after the anesthesia wore off in the operating room and Dr. Stegman was there. He told me briefly what he found and all I could say was, "So was that what was causing us trouble with getting pregnant?" He said, "Quite possibly, any amount of Endometriosis can interfere with conception". I then let out a sigh of relief. Finally. Answers.

We drove home on Christmas Eve and let's just say that I did not make it to Mass that night. Father, forgive me. It was probably the first time in well...forever that I missed Mass and it was when I needed it probably the most. But my amazing husband went to Mass and brought me back Jesus in the Eucharist. He's always bringing me Jesus...in so many ways. I love that man.

On Christmas day, I woke up to the following note from my husband. Best, Christmas Present. Ever. Seriously, this is worth saving and so I did. Here it is, almost a year later and this letter bring tears to my eyes and I am most definitely certain brings glory to God.

My beautiful and cherished Wife,

As I sit here getting last minute gifts together for Christmas tomorrow (what’s new...its my Christmas Eve tradition), I’m watching the live Christmas Eve solemn mass at the Basilica in Washington, D.C.  I think its crazy that just today, this very day we drove right through D.C. and very close to the Basilica where mass is being celebrated right now in our nation’s capital.  As tired as I am, I can’t help but think what a day its been.  

I woke up in a hotel at 6 in the morning in the mountains of Pennsylvania, took our dog out for a walk, drove across a beautiful river stacked with old bridges, picked up my wife at a hospital, drove from Pennsylvania’s capital down toward the eastern seaboard, around Baltimore, through D.C., was blessed to make a stop to see some family in the heart of VA, and ended up back at our house that you’ve made such a peaceful home (by your always tasteful decor, but also your beautiful holy woman’s heart).  On top of that, I was able to go to mass with your family and come home in time to tuck you in for the night.  Not sure you’re dreaming of sugar plums right now, but I’m praying God is giving you dreams that don’t include hospital beds or drinking apple juice from a straw.

What a day its been.  I’ve had a lot of time to think today.  Lots of car time and lots of prayer time.  

I told you this morning when we walked out the front door of the hospital to our car, that I felt joy on the way to pick you up this morning.  But I’m not sure you grasped what I was saying or how I really felt.  Or maybe I didn’t express myself well.  Or maybe you were drugged up (haha most likely).  But Kimberly, I was overjoyed to be driving to my wife, that you were well enough to be released from the hospital, and that on all days, but especially Christmas Eve, I was charging toward my lovely amazing lady to sweep her out of the hospital and take her home.  Haha so maybe it didn’t happen like that to you, but in my heart thats how I felt.  That I would have run all the way from the hotel if I had to.  I would have run to you.  I was so glad you were finally given the OK and we were going HOME.  

The car ride allowed me much time to contemplate things too.  And bottom line, I felt overwhelmingly grateful for you, for our marriage, for the things God has blessed us with.  I mean really...just the opportunity to have this surgery, not many people in the world can do this.  And to be able to wake up one morning three states away and by night be at home with you.  Amazing.  And then as tired as I was, to be able to celebrate Christmas Eve mass.  

I walked out of church through a mostly empty parking lot after mass tonight with Jesus in my pocket.  I couldn’t leave him there, I felt like it was just wrong for some reason, like he needed more respect than a pocket.  So I held him in my hands walking toward the car.  I felt like I was holding the light of the world in my hands.  Like in the spiritual realm, light was streaming out of my hands like rays.  And I have the blessing to give this wonderful gift, the gift of life, to you.  Again, what an opportunity.  How blessed we are. 

Now I’m sitting here watching mass up in D.C. and the same Jesus is being offered there.  Again, amazing.  Right now he’s being broken for everyone in that Basilica.  Kimberly, the masses tonight have really made me fall in love with you more than ever.  Jesus took on humanity to relate to us, broke his self for us, and gave him self to unite us in flesh.  The last couple days, you have given yourself to me in a way that goes beyond words.  You’ve undergone a crazy surgery, been put under crazy drugs, endured uncomfortable living situations, and barely slept continuously.  Kimberly, you’ve had your own flesh poked and prodded and broken.  You’ve bled.  For me.  You love me and our marriage and future enough to go through that.

Amazing.  You have loved me like Christ loved the Church.

Kimberly, you have taught me so much in life.  Lifted me up and encouraged me.  Always been there by my side.  You’ve shown me so much about love.  If there was ever a time where I saw the connection between the marriage covenant and Christ’s covenant with his bride, then its now.  I can’t believe you would do the things you’ve done in order to show your love for me and your dedication to our marriage.  You have put Ephesians 5 on a whole new level.  You have loved me like a perfect bride.  You have pointed me to Christ because you loved me like Christ.  And as different as the circumstances have made this Christmas, one thing is true...no matter what is going on or where we are, Christmas to me is being with you.

I love you deeply Kimberly, I love you more and more with each day and each year and each Christmas, and most especially this one, because you have truly brought Christ to me.

-Matthew

Our First Son

Okay, ya'll, it's about to get vulnerable up in here. I have to admit that I haven't read what I am about to post in about 1.5 years. Our journey to become parents has been a struggle every day but we wouldn't trade it for the world. The next few pages will be about our first experience with adoption. I wrote this about 5 months after our adopted son, Josiah, was taken from us. As you can imagine, there was a lot of pain and hurt still there but I feel it also showed God's amazing redemption.

                                       Josiah Caleb

I think that it’s about time I sat down and wrote about our son. Please disregard my run-on sentences and typos. Being an English minor I tend to focus on those things but right now I feel God is asking me to just write. Write like I think and feel. 

It has been five months to the day since we were eagerly awaiting our baby boy to arrive into the world. After desiring children for our entire 4 1/2 year marriage, our dream of being parents was finally going to come true. God put adoption on my heart years ago in college and after daily rosaries and prayers offered up for my husband to feel the same, we had mutually come to the desire/decision to adopt.  We were excited to begin the journey but equally terrified. Adoption was a risky and expensive investment. But worth every penny and emotional turmoil. For adoption hadn’t become just a “plan B” or “last resort”. For us, it had become something so much more. It had become theologically beautiful. After reading several books on preparing yourself for adoption such as A Guide to Successful Christian Adoption and You Can Adopt. It wasn’t until after reading a book called Adopted For Life  that our eyes were opened fully to the beauty of adoption. God himself adopts each one of us as his sons and daughters at our baptism. Adoption is a beautiful example of the gospel. This book opened our eyes to many things. Too many actually to write. Go read the book. But the one thing God really opened our eyes and tested our true desires. Did we truly desire to be parents? Or did we just want to pass on our DNA? He showed us that adoption is just as valid and amazing has being biological parents. I could go on and on to what God has taught us through our good friends who are adopting a baby boy from Rwanda, Matt and Catherine Allison, and through the book Adopted for Life. But I will spare you the reading time and get back to our story. 

One Sunday afternoon Matt and I had been discussing adoption and researching agencies. We had decided to take the leap of faith. We just weren’t sure which way God wanted us to go. Adoption is expensive and thirty grand is a lot of money to place in any one agencies’ hand. We had to make the right decision. We had spent the day researching and talking with people that had adopted and used agencies. At the end of the day, we ended up at a crossroads. We had heard conflicting things about the potential agencies and were left unsure. That night, I went to bed. And Matt had said to me that he really felt that God was going to provide us with a Parental Placement. For those of you non adoption savvy people, that means that instead of going through an agency, God would provide us with a family that wanted to place their child with us and we would go through an attorney instead. Of course, a home study would be done through an agency or through the state but it would mostly be God joining two families that need each other in each other’s path. I admired Matt’s faith and patience on the Lord but my type A, controlling personality wasn’t feeling that. How would we know that this was really going to happen? I mean, it could be ten years before something like that happens! Hadn’t we waited on the Lord enough in our journey to be parents? 

After I went to bed that night, Matt received a phone call from his friend, Matt Allison, whom had been trying to connect with him all weekend but circumstances forbid it. I believe God wanted Matt and I to officially make the decision, step out in faith to adopt before Matt had spoken with Matt A. Matt told him that Gwenn, a woman we had briefly met just weeks prior at Matt and Catherine’s adoption fundraiser yard sale, knew of a young girl that was considering adoption and that Gwenn immediately thought of Matt and I. It wasn’t certain that this girl wanted to place her baby for adoption but she wanted to meet a couple seeking adoption to get a picture in her mind of who her baby would end up with if she decided to go that route. We agreed to meet with her. Even if it only meant that her eyes would be opened to her options. We met in Richmond at the Allison’s home. This was a midway point for each family. Our meeting was amazing. God was completely all over the conversation and the house was filled with his presence. He truly anointed that home. Probably because Gwenn and Mrs. Allision (Catherine’s mom) walked the house in prayer for days prior. We talked, laughed, cried and were so honest with our sharing. It was amazing. We left Richmond that day feeling so good about the meeting even if it simply showed this young girl a Christian couple seeking God’s will in their lives. We truly felt God has used us in her life even if we had never spoken to her again. The day we met in Richmond was Oct. 15, 2010. The feast of St. Gerard. The saint we had been asking intercession from for months and months regarding our inability to conceive. Pretty amazing how God worked that out. 

A few days had gone by with no word from the family until Tues. Oct. 18th. I received a call from the birthmom’s mom and she said that they had decided to place the baby boy with us! I immediately cried on the phone to her in excitement. I called Matt and told him. It was probably the happiest thing I have ever told Matt. I imagine it’s probably much like a woman telling her husband that she was pregnant! True bliss. Matt was amazed, shocked and so happy. We also noticed that the 18th was Matt’s fast and pray day for the unborn. Coincidence? I think not. 

That is when the roller coaster began in the Hamrick home. We immediately told family and friends (who were as shocked as we were that this came about so quickly). But when you truly desire to be parents, it’s a holy calling and you drop everything and be parents, no matter what. We decorated the nursery, bought all the furniture and even had a baby shower in the two weeks before his Nov. 1 due date. It was an amazing whirlwind. Scary but amazing. I wrapped things up at my job and continued contact with the birth mom throughout the following weeks. We even discussed baby names with each other. She had the right to choose his name and she wanted to. She had chosen Josiah which was really funny because just a week before she told us the name she wanted for him, my close friend and spiritual warrior, Tamice has told me we should name him Josiah so that name was in the back of my head. When the birth mom told me the name, I was floored that God had even down to his name planned big things for this child and blessed this whole situation. We picked the middle name. His name was to be Josiah Caleb Hamrick. 

One day at work I received a text that said, “Hope you are ready, I am being induced tomorrow”. I shook with excited and wanted to leave work immediately. We packed our bags and headed to Richmond that night so that we could be at the hospital early the next morning. 

We arrived to the hospital very scared and excited. We met up with the birth mom’s mom and dad in the hospital. We had met the mom but hadn’t met the dad (or granddad of Josiah).  He was unsure of the whole situation and couldn’t understand “giving up your child”. But after talking honestly with him for an hour and tears being shed and hugs being given, he felt assured that  God wanted this baby with us. We then got to the news that things were progressing well with delivery and that the birth mom wanted me in the delivery room with her when she gave birth. I had been hoping and longing to be able to be there but respected any decision she would make. But she chose me to be there!!! I broke down in tears when Josiah’s granddad gave me the news. It was like I could finally breathe! 

Within 45 minutes of pushing, bleeding, puking, Josiah Caleb had arrived! It was a beautiful picture. Here we had the birth mom giving birth, her mom holding one of her legs (sorry for the graphics) and the adoptive mom (me) holding the other leg. All three praying in the spirit the whole time. It was truly the gospel alive in our midst. Life, Sacrifice, Redemption.  It’s true what they say when you count the fingers and toes of your newborn. That’s exactly what I found myself doing. It was amazing. I was the first to hold him and I even was asked to cut his umbilical cord.

The following four days in the hospital were some of the most amazing days of my life. They were also filled with great uncertainty as the birth mom could change her mind at any moment. We were bonding more with our son every minute that we had him. He stayed with us in our room at the hospital with occasional visits with his birth mom and family. Those times were extremely difficult for us. Fear filled me up to where it was difficult to even swallow. If there was ever any doubt if we would love Josiah like our own biological son, it was diminished that very first night with him. I felt helplessly in love with him during the night feedings. He was as much our son as if I had birthed him myself. Adoption is a beautiful and holy thing. And all that we had read about and heard about had come alive for Matt and I during those days with him in the hospital. 

November 4th was the day we were all discharged from the hospital. Parting with the birth family was extremely difficult. We spend time in prayer around Josiah together. More tears were shed as we all said our goodbyes. It was the most difficult time of my life up to that point. Little did I know what was ahead of us still. God was going to ask so much more from Matt and I. 

We arrived home that night with our son! It was such an amazing night. But exhausting because I hadn’t slept since Josiah was born. Mostly because of the extreme stress we had been in at the hospital with the birth family. I still didn’t sleep the first night we had him home with us. I was constantly up watching him sleep. Scared that his little grunting noises in his sleep were him choking. I was such a newbie mom. But he was such a gift to me that I was scared for anything to happen to him. Little did I know that I was going to lose him the very next day.

It was 9:30am on Nov. 5th that I got a call from our attorney letting me know that the birth mom had called her and changed her mind. She wanted to warn me that she was going to call me soon. My heart sank to a place I never knew it could. I sat there looking at Josiah with a lump in my stomach and tears streaming down my face. I burst into the room where Matt was sleeping, woke him up and told him the news. I still feel bad for waking him up like that with the worst news ever. I bet he thought he was having a nightmare. After crying, avoiding a call from the birth mom (I wasn’t ready to respond quite yet) and listening to her voice message that she had change her mind and needed him back, I decided to get in the shower. It was then in the shower that I just barely began to break down and I prayed to God, “God, I can’t do this. I am not strong enough for this.” God said to me, “ Yes you are. I am with you.”. And I swallowed real hard and stopped my tears. I knew from that minute on that I was going to get through this. I had to get through this. After my shower I called the birth mom back and we made arrangements for her to come get Josiah that evening. Meanwhile Matt got a call from Matt A. who had heard the news through Gwenn. Praise God that Matt A . heard the call from God to call us that morning. He spoke such clear truth to us. He said that we probably didn’t want to hear this and that he was scared to even tell us this but that as he was praying for us this morning he heard God tell him to tell us that #1 God is always faithful and #2 we had the biggest opportunity to show Christ in this situation. Being a witness isn’t exactly what you are feeling like doing when someone is ripping the child of your dreams out of your hands after only four days with him. But it was exactly what Matt and I needed to hear. God had got us to a place in one day that we never thought we could be. He gave us the grace we needed to be able to get to a peaceful place before the birth family had arrived to get Josiah that night. Matt went to prayer after talking with Matt A. He sat in the guest room on the computer chair with his legs resting on the bed and placed the crucifix that had been hanging in Josiah’s room before him on the bed. He was exactly where he was the night before at 3am up with Josiah. Josiah had been laying where the crucifix now was on the guest bed just 6 hours before. Matt had been gazing at his son on the bed. Now he was gazing at the crucifix... at God’s son. And the words Hope and Sacrifice streamed through Matt’s mind over and over. Hope and Sacrifice. Hope and Sacrifice. We spent the day with Josiah taking him to his first pediatric appointment and  having family and friends over to see him before he left. That day seemed like a blur while in it but is so clear to me now. The final thing we did with Josiah that night was baptize him. we felt called to do it as his parents. 

When the birth family arrived at 8:30pm on Nov. 5th, they were speechless. I can’t imagine how they felt coming in to take him. We didn’t want it to be too difficult for any of us. So we told them that we had already said our goodbyes to him. We got all of his things together and walked them out to the car. I handed him over to the 19 year old birth mom. She was terrified. But after she placed him in his car seat, I gave her a hug and whispered to her that she was going to be a great mom as long as she knew God and followed Him. And that was the last time we saw our son. 

From that moment on God has slowly made clear what seemed to be so unclear as to why this happened to us. Even this past week, God has continued to reveal to us His plan in all of this. We went to the parish mission at Holy Trinity church. Awesome, Fr. Dan asked Matt and I along with other young adults to have dinner with the guest speaker. We had small talk  which led to the guest speaker, Mark Hart, asking us what we did for a living. I told him that I nannied a newborn. He then made a comment about betting that made me want to have kids. I laughed it off thinking, ”Oh if you only knew”.  Later that night Matt thanked Mark for giving an amazing talk on the storms of life and God being there with us through them. Mark said to Matt” You guys want to have kids bad, don’t you”. Matt was shocked as we had never said anything to him about this. Matt said yes and gave him our 3 minute version of the past 6 months mentioning that we had closure because we baptized Josiah before he left our home. God at that moment spoke truth through Mark to Matt. Mark said that maybe God had used us to be Josiah’s parents for that short time so that we could baptize Josiah and he could become God’s son through the waters of baptism. Wow. Just stop and think about that for one minute. Let it sink in. At the time, we just thought that baptizing him was something we needed to do. Not sure why, probably for closure on our part and reassurance that he was going to be okay. Little did we know that God’s plan was so much bigger than that. 

We still miss him. We still think of him and pray for him daily. We know we are his spiritual parents forever.

What's Up Doc?

I'm going to warn you...this is a long one. Hey, it has been a 4 year struggle and I'm supposed to sum it up in a blog post? Crazy.

My husband and I are Catholic. So an openness to life in marriage is something we have treasured from the beginning of our marriage. It's the most amazing thing that God has allowed us in his plan of creation. It also comes with a intense responsibility. We have been practicing Natural Family Planning since early on in our marriage and a few years into it after friends were conceiving rather quickly after their nuptials, we realized that we may have a difficult time conceiving. I can't say it wasn't a total surprise. I strongly feel that deep down in my soul, I just had a feeling even before we were engaged or married that I might have fertility issues. You see, God had put adoption on my heart long before my husband and I married. When Matt and I were in a time of separation to discern our future together, I had a vivid dream that I felt was prophetic. God showed me my future husband and he was holding our future child that I knew wasn't ours biologically.   I said to the Lord in a prayer time one afternoon that I will serve Him with my whole heart in one of two ways, I will be a long term missionary overseas or I will marry Matt and raise children to love and serve Him. I was committed to serving Him in whatever way he desired.  But whatever it was, I knew I would lead a missionary life in that I had a mission to proclaim the gospel in truth and love. It was then that I had that dream that will forever stay with me and would become a burning desire of mine.

After a few months of fertility treatments through a local fertility clinic and no conception, we decided to stop treatment. We were never at peace in the regular fertility clinics. It was always a challenge to share our faith and morals with the doctors when it came to our fertility. You see, we had a strong conviction from the Lord that our fertility was a gift, not something to be controlled. Children were a gift, not a product easily produced in a lab with a doctor. Sex was bigger and more than just a pleasurable experience to be used whenever and however we pleased. It meant more and therefore, was not to be taken out of the equation when sharing in God's plan of creation. Children, at any stage of life, even the earliest of stages were to be valued and cherished not tossed away if... inconvenient. It was a challenge to continue to educate the doctors on these things when their main goal was not health care but rather, producing babies. We were constantly encouraged and advised to eventually do Invitro Fertilization and were even once assured in the process that if "too many embryos (babies) implanted, we could just do a fetal reduction". Simple as that. The little lives that we had so long yearned for could be aborted right there in the place that proudly advertised themselves as in the business of making babies! The doctors that spent their whole lives producing children had a complete and utter disregard for life. It has become  less about helping families conceive but rather, a power issue that has spiraled out of control. We had no desire to get caught in the tornado.

Luckily, we were aware of this all prior to our journey because the Catholic church and it's teachings warned us of this sort of power struggle that began with the creation of the pill and has now created a society that completely takes sex out of the equation when creating life. For a letter written by Pope Paul VI on the, now thought to be prophetic, message on birth control and the effect it will have on society, click here: Humanae Vitae.  It's scarily accurate.

It's not an easy circumstance, to want children so badly and not be able to conceive. And the fertility world counts on the vulnerability and desperation of the infertile couple. I am in no way being insensitive to the fact that infertility is a difficult cross to bear. I am not condemning those that have chosen to be a part of in vitro fertilization. It often sadly appears to be the only answer especially when fertility doctors are pressuring you and assuring you that this is the only way that you will get a baby.

Back to our story. We left the clinic and decided to look into adoption agencies. We prayed intensely for about 6 months asking God if we were called to adopt. He laid a strong desire on our hearts for adoption as He began to wrap our minds around the beauty and complexity of adoption and how it is an amazing symbol of the gospel. The Lord over and over reminded us of his command to love and care for orphans.  He taught us through a lot of prayer, the deep spiritual connection of adoption in that we are all adopted sons and daughters of Christ.  In Romans 8:15, the Lord tells us that the spirit we have received as Christians has brought us into an adopted relationship with God in which we now cry, “Abba, Father!”  We are heirs through our adoption. God chose us!  We began to believe deeply that earthly adoption is an amazing witness and example of the Gospel and felt strongly called to participate in it.