Because He said so

My husband recently told me that I needed to start blogging again. He said he knows writing is good for me and that it allows others to have a glimpse into my interior which I rarely, with my wounded and introverted self, allow others to do.

I took a slight break from blogging for several reason one being TIME! I have no idea how mommy bloggers get the time to write as much as they do! Another reason being that once you are vulnerable and allow others in to your thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams through a platform like this, you're going to have others that disagree or don't connect with what you are writing. There are also times that I will fail in effectively communicating how I really feel through this blog. It's tough sometimes to relay all of my random thoughts and feelings into a nice, concise, pretty and pleasing-to-all blog post. But alas, here I sit with my hot bowl of tomato soup on a rainy, baby-napping afternoon, giving it a shot again.

So much about me has changed over the last  two years (wow!) since my son being born. I've earned a great respect and admiration to mothers, especially single mothers. I often think to myself, during sleepless nights how those brave women do it. I've been navigating my way through first time motherhood, particularly adoptive motherhood. I've been relishing in these baby moments with my son. It's definitely an interesting feeling going through motherhood of an infant and not knowing if I will ever experience this again. Savoring my moments with him and feeling in complete awe and unworthiness daily, of this incredible gift from God. Understanding ever deeper that Joshua has been entrusted to us for a time but that ultimately he is God's son above all.

This blog is about the journey that God has for my life. How I am meant to live it with a passion for it to be pleasing to Him above all else (even though I fail at this often!). This blog is about my journey through motherhood and life. I will be sharing what I feel called to share in hopes to help others understand adoption through my eyes and possibly help those first time adoptive parents or soon to be adoptive parents navigate their way through the process as well. With that said, I am a sinner. Pray for me. And if you will, walk with me through my personal faith journey.

Though You Slay Me

"I come, God, I come
Return to the Lord
The one who's broken
The one who's torn me apart
You strike down to bind me up
You say You do it all in love
That I might know You in Your suffering

Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the One who's all I need"

-Though You Slay Me
Shane and Shane



These words to a popular worship song have been playing repeat in my mind lately. They bring me back to moments in the past and even moments that creep into my inner self here and there still even after being incredibly blessed by my son through adoption. Moments of suffering with infertility. Moments where my faith struggles deeply. Moments where my head is desperately trying to wrap around the fact that I am chosen for this cross. I am chosen specifically in this moment in time to carry this. Me. The girl that struggles every day with self worth to begin with... is now carrying this. Why would my Father allow this? 

It's a question that plagues a lot of us. Why does he allow suffering? But I learn more and more each day that it is through suffering that we can truly and fully know Jesus. And He wants us completely and utterly to know Him. I believe mature faith is when we stop thinking of our Lord as an ATM. When we stop believing the lie that if He loves us, if He's truly there, He will show up...provide...give us what we think we need. Mature faith means we come to Him, we return to Him each day...wounded and bloody from our circumstances. When we still, through it all, feel an ounce of hope and joy even if only in a small inner corner of our deeper selves, that every tear is worth it. That we're growing closer to Jesus, sharing in His misery. That every second of it is totally, totally worth it. 

Blessed Mother Teresa went years, decades of feeling darkness and loneliness. Feeling like God wasn't there. She once wrote to her spiritual director, "For the first time in 11 years I have come to love the darkness. For I believe it is a part, a very small part of Jesus' darkness and pain on earth.  Today I felt deep joy that Jesus can't go anymore through agony but that He wants to go through it in me. More than ever I surrender myself to him. Yes more than ever I will be at His disposal." 

Theologian, John Piper once said in regards to such suffering, "Don't look to what is seen. Do not lose heart. Take these truths and day by day focus on them. Preach them to yourselves. Day by day get alone with God and preach His word into your mind until your hearts sings with confidence that you are new and cared for."

We all have our thing. Everyone has a battle they're fighting. I'm in no way alone in this. I used to cry for others that are going through really tough times and I still do don't get me wrong...but now my heart leaps a little because I know where there is suffering, they have the incredible opportunity to truly know God's son. That they can share in the pain of Jesus and know how deep His love is for us that He'd endure what He did while we rejected Him, while we spat on Him and killed Him. Jesus showed us that suffering is never meaningless. 

Sweet Baby Jesus

I was completely blown away this morning during my quiet time. I read the daily scriptures then listened to my usual reflection by Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI on my Laudate app on my phone. If you don't have this app, get on it people. It's the bomb. 

Anyway, his reflection today was on the "Weakness of the Baby Jesus". When I first heard this, I was like, "say, wha?? God, weak, uh no" but then I listened further to the wise and humble words of Pope Emeritus.... and let me tell ya'll...mind blown. 

Here are some words from his mediation that really stuck out to me profoundly. 

"The weakness of the baby Jesus. At the heart of the mystery is the paradox that the glorious God decides to manifest himself in the helplessness of a child who is overlooked by adult society and comes into the world in a stable. The powerlessness of a child has become the proper expression of God's all subduing power. For the only force He employs is the silence force of truth and love.  It was then in the defenseless weakness of a child that God wanted us to have our first encounter of saving mercy."

I often reflected on why God came as a baby, in a stable. And while I am sure this is one of those mysteries that will have us constantly striving to understand the way of God through it, I can't help but think of the relevancy of the weakness of the baby Jesus that there is today. Although his reflection was not specifically on pro life issues, my mind couldn't help but gravitate towards it after reading his words. 

There is absolutely no mistaking that babies are being overlooked by our adult society. This is a hot topic in today's world. Candidates for presidency are being elected or not elected in our country in large part because of this one topic. Children are the prey and our country is divided because of this. 

So why baby Jesus? Pope Emeritus says that "the powerlessness of the child has become the proper expression of God's all subduing power". The Lord crushes Satan and sin but the only "force he employs is the silence of truth and love". He says that it was "in the defenseless weakness of a child that God wanted us to have our first encounter of saving mercy". 

I believe this speaks truth to the pro life movement. That the very act of a God choosing a child, a baby, to come into the world speaks profound truth to the fact that saving mercy can come from the defenseless weakness of a child. That through an unplanned pregnancy, even in the case of rape or incest, absolute saving mercy and an encounter with Jesus can come from choosing life for that child.

I've witnessed it in our own adoption. Saving grace and mercy healed and redeemed our birth mother. She has a strong relationship with Christ now because of her choice of life and because of the beautiful healing the Lord did during her pregnancy and even still does now through our beautiful semi open relationship we have with her. 

This Christmas I'll be reflecting on the saving power of God, paying close attention to His purposeful use of a baby. And I'll be lifting up my prayers for birth mothers and fathers who need the Lord's healing. I'll be praying that the force of truth and love come into their lives and hearts through the children they carry in their flesh. I ask you to join me in the prayer for life and healing. Because I believe that redemption of our world can come through a country that stands firmly for life. 

Preparing for War this Advent

Last night I was browsing through pictures from our time in the great state of Texas when we first met our son. I can't help but have an overwhelming amount of mixed emotions as I stroll through those memories. But what I realized is my emotions become fixated on the absolute courage of our son's birth mother. I know that I have blogged about this before but her actions and her heart still have me in utter awe. Maybe it's because I have been down the road where a birth mother has decided at the last minute to keep her child rather than place him for adoption, I don't know. But I know that the way I live my life is different because of her. Because of her choice, because of her courage.

With it being Advent, I've been reflecting, obviously, more about the journey our Blessed Mother, Mary took as she carried the Messiah in her womb. Although I have never been pregnant, walking through the last few months of my son's pregnancy with his birth mother has really given me insight into what it may have been like for Mary. I was so blessed that I had regular email contact with our birth mother through out those last few months and that she was more than eager and willing to share each and every part of her pregnancy with me. She allowed me to get to know Joshua even before I met him. From his kicks, to his hiccups, to his response to cajun food...I knew it all. And because of that, I am still in awe of her peace and courage throughout the pregnancy and at his birth. During those sweet nine months of carrying him in her womb she cared for him, sang to him, prayed for him, changed the way she ate, worked out and lived FOR HIM...only to say goodbye to him one day. Many people say that they don't know how any mother could do that...but I can tell you that another mother modeled that courage and grace....Mary, the Mother of our Savior. It's unsure how much Mary really knew about what was to happen to her son but she knew one thing and I'm certain it was more than telling...He was the Son of God, the Messiah.

Mary had a huge decision to make when the Angel appeared to her. And she said "yes". And so as we all prepare for Christmas and patiently "wait and prepare" in advent, I encourage you to really think about how Mary prepared. This was the single most difficult decisions she made. And it was a decision that she continually had to make. No doubt, it was a daily decision. A daily yes through the trials of an unwed woman carrying a child to term. And then what happens when she actually has this child? After all, he is the Messiah! What did that mean for her life and future being the mother to him? I believe that Mary didn't just "prepare to have "sweet baby Jesus". I believe she prepared for war. She knew when she said yes to God that day, that she was in for it. She knew that God was penetrating through the the earth...and that was going to be a cra-zay!

It's natural for me to make parallels of the gospel to adoption because I truly believe that adoption is a reflection of the gospel on earth. But usually I take the "God adopts us into his family" route. This Advent, I've been realizing that there is so much more to it than that. Adoption, in a lot of cases is a story of redemption. The journey birth mothers have to take can be closely paralleled to Mary's journey. These birth mothers, our birth mother, said yes to life even when it meant it wouldn't be easy. In fact, it absolutely won't be easy.  They spend their pregnancies preparing for the day they say goodbye to a child they have grown so close to much like Mary sitting at the foot of the cross of her baby boy she once carried in her very flesh. But it doesn't stop there. Birth mothers are also preparing for the backlash they will experience from family and friends after placing their child. Can you imagine the backlash Mary went through, not only while carrying Jesus in her womb but after he was born as well?

Then why do they do it? Because the alternative is death. In our society the likely alternative to an unplanned pregnancy is abortion, unfortunately. So the women who choose the difficult but life giving route of adoption, they do it because they want to right a wrong, redeem sin, and give life to a child which can literally change the world in which we live. I was able to witness God's profound grace all over our birth mother as she made the decision to place her baby for adoption...but that doesn't mean it was easy.

So what does this mean for us? Especially for those not touched by adoption personally. Prepare this Advent as if you're preparing for war. Because living a life believing in Jesus in this society is like doing so. We know, ultimate the war is won but there are battles we're compelled to engage in. But I warn you, these battles may not always appear to be combative. In our world, there is a war on kindness, on love, on true charity in the name of Jesus. And there is the obvious and ever important war on life that each and every one of us can fight in by the way we live our lives and build our families. Because the season of Advent means candles and prayer and lights and presents and...war. Preparation is vital.

The decision to live for Jesus isn't easy. Put on your armor this Advent.

Gratitude

I'd love to be able to say that Thanksgiving has always been a day of true thankfulness for me. The truth is, between stuffing my belly with turkey and pie and all things amazing, in dealing with infertility in the recent years, I found it truly difficult to be thankful most days let alone on Thanksgiving. When looking up thankful in the dictionary, I found it to mean "pleased and relieved".  How could I, in the midst of one of the hardest crosses I've had to carry, be anything close to pleased and relieved??? But you see, I've had it all wrong.

Our recent adoption and becoming a mommy over the last three months have taught me something so incredibly profound. Something I wish I always had and something I wish I had in every part of my life. Gratitude. You see, I thought I knew what this thing called gratitude was and even thought I had it at certain times of my life...but nope. I didn't have a clue. 

Our son and the Lord, coupled with the heavy cross I carried for years have taught me gratitude.  There isn't a single moment that I don't look at my son with a heart full of gratefulness. When he wakes me up for middle of the night feedings, my stomach flutters with excitement to see him and spend those sweet moments with him while the rest of the world sleeps. When I'm worn down and sick because of lack of sleep, I can somehow continue on with my mommy duties with overwhelming joy. You see, I've learned through this adoption and becoming a mom, that having a heart of gratitude helps you live life with true joy. The circumstances around you literally don't matter when you have true gratitude.  

The definition of gratitude is the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness. I've experienced this in such a real way. My eagerness to show appreciation and kindness for my son stirs within me the ability to be a joyful mother. You see, gratitude changes the way you live. It changes the way you move forward. But don't let me fool you, I didn't come by this on my own. I believe our Lord brought me through years of carrying a heavy and hard cross to be able to experience this joy....that stems from pure gratitude. And I am forever grateful because I believe it is making me the mother God wants me to be more and more every day. 

Knowing that my son is truly a gift from God helps rid me of any feelings of "it is my right to have this child" or that even "this child is mine" which can lead to taking him for granted. He's the Lord's. He always was and always will be. He is an absolute gift. I know from past experience that anything can be taken away in an instant so every.single.moment with him fills my heart with more gratitude. Experiencing true gratitude for the first time in my life has caused me to pause and wonder, what if we live our entire lives in this way? What if we look at each and every thing and person with such gratitude?

 I believe more joy will fill this earth.

Praying for you. Praying for those carrying painful crosses this Thanksgiving that soon enough, the Lord will reveal to you this gratitude and your hearts would experience divine joy and peace that surpasses all understanding in this life. 

Photos by: http://www.kbsimplephoto.com/

I'm Adopted

...because the truth of the matter is that we are all adopted. We are adopted sons and daughters of God. As I sat in front of the Blessed Sacrament with my adopted son this afternoon for the first time, I felt this in a deeper way than ever before. It was incredibly overwhelming to see the light of Christ from the monstrance shine on my son's face in the chapel. It's difficult to explain, really...the magnitude of adoption especially in the spiritual realm.

But what I do know is that God has chosen you. He has chosen YOU as his adopted son or daughter. He doesn't just want to be your "friend" as many contemporary christian lyrics echo lightly. He wants to go deeper. He wants to be your daddy. He wants to be up with you in the night when you're fearful and worried. He wants to hold you when you need comforting and healing. He wants to provide for you, feed you, cloth you. He wants to love you, sacrificially, as a father does...but He can do it perfectly. He has chosen you despite who you are, what you've done, or where you will go in the future. He has chosen YOU because of who He is.

When you go through the process of adoption, you learn so much spiritually. You learn how to love like God does. But mostly importantly, you learn how much God loves you. Since our son has come into the world, our lives have been completely rocked both in the physical and in the spiritual. Besides my time being completely consumed with our little Joshua, my mind and heart have also been completely consumed with thoughts of complete awe of the Lord.  I have so much to write about adoption, I don't know where to begin! Hence why I haven't written a post yet. I was going to give a detailed play by play of the day our son came in to the world (don't worry, I will soon!) because it was completely and awesomely covered by God's grace but after visiting the adoration chapel today, I just felt so strongly to tell you, the person reading these words, that God loves you. That He has chosen YOU to be His son or daughter. He has adopted you.

Bringing our son home.

Adoption, Redemption

It's an indescribable experience meeting the birth mother of your future son. One that's really difficult to put into words. Our visit with our birth mother and caseworkers went great last week. The five of us enjoyed a two hour lunch just chatting away about everything from surfing and sharks to family traditions and college football (of course!). After the lunch, we took some pictures and headed on our way. Our caseworker stayed back for a bit and talked with Matt and I and mentioned that we were allowed to invite our birth mother to hang out again since we were staying in town a couple of more days. We loved the idea of getting more time with her! So we asked her and she was so excited that we actually wanted that! So the next day, we met for lunch again. This lunch, we spent four hours talking...just the three of us. It was amazing and really completed the entire trip for us all. We had the opportunity to really talk. We talked about some fun, light hearted stuff but were also able to go deeper. To talk about our birth mother's conversion to the Lord, her hopes, her fears, her dreams. It was an incredible experience to know more about her heart and how God has moved in huge ways through this pregnancy and now through this adoption process. It was a lunch that the three of us will never, ever forget and a sweet moment that we can share with Joshua forever.

Meeting with her really had me thinking about the beauty of choosing life. In our world, young women are pressured to get an abortion, to just "take care of it" as an easy way out. It's amazing to get a front seat view of it all and be able to visibly see the positive and amazing effects of why choosing LIFE can only bring endless blessings and joy for SO many people. Not to mention, it brings conversion. Life conquers death...it conquers sin....it heals and redeems. I get SO excited knowing that the enemy was squashed. He had a plan and it backfired on him terribly because of a still small voice in a mother's heart that said, choose life. The enemy thought he got her when she chose to have premarital sex. He thought his work was done but she has been restored, redeemed and has come to know God in a huge way. She's changed and wanting to follow God passionately now. Wow.

You see, adoption brings life in a world that's saturated with death. You could even say that adoption is contagious. We truly believe that because our birth mother was adopted herself and because HER mother bravely chose life for her, she instinctively knew that life and adoption was the right thing to do. She knew that an abortion would just break her. I fiercely believe that if adoption is in your family... generations to come are more likely to choose life and choose adoption if they're in a difficult spot.

This amazing lady has been able to experience the freedom and forgiving power of our God through her pregnancy. She's been able to bless another couple (us!) with life when they're not able to have a family on their own. And we're able to build a relationship with her that's filled with conversations about life and faith and how good our God is even in the midst of trial. Matt and I are able to be a witness to her of a marriage built on God. She's able to witness to us the sacrificial love of a parent that is an absolute reflection of God's love for us. How can anything but beauty come from choosing life and choosing adoption?

God is good. He's breaking through our culture of death through adoption and we're incredibly humbled and blessed to be a part of that.