Our First Son

Okay, ya'll, it's about to get vulnerable up in here. I have to admit that I haven't read what I am about to post in about 1.5 years. Our journey to become parents has been a struggle every day but we wouldn't trade it for the world. The next few pages will be about our first experience with adoption. I wrote this about 5 months after our adopted son, Josiah, was taken from us. As you can imagine, there was a lot of pain and hurt still there but I feel it also showed God's amazing redemption.

                                       Josiah Caleb

I think that it’s about time I sat down and wrote about our son. Please disregard my run-on sentences and typos. Being an English minor I tend to focus on those things but right now I feel God is asking me to just write. Write like I think and feel. 

It has been five months to the day since we were eagerly awaiting our baby boy to arrive into the world. After desiring children for our entire 4 1/2 year marriage, our dream of being parents was finally going to come true. God put adoption on my heart years ago in college and after daily rosaries and prayers offered up for my husband to feel the same, we had mutually come to the desire/decision to adopt.  We were excited to begin the journey but equally terrified. Adoption was a risky and expensive investment. But worth every penny and emotional turmoil. For adoption hadn’t become just a “plan B” or “last resort”. For us, it had become something so much more. It had become theologically beautiful. After reading several books on preparing yourself for adoption such as A Guide to Successful Christian Adoption and You Can Adopt. It wasn’t until after reading a book called Adopted For Life  that our eyes were opened fully to the beauty of adoption. God himself adopts each one of us as his sons and daughters at our baptism. Adoption is a beautiful example of the gospel. This book opened our eyes to many things. Too many actually to write. Go read the book. But the one thing God really opened our eyes and tested our true desires. Did we truly desire to be parents? Or did we just want to pass on our DNA? He showed us that adoption is just as valid and amazing has being biological parents. I could go on and on to what God has taught us through our good friends who are adopting a baby boy from Rwanda, Matt and Catherine Allison, and through the book Adopted for Life. But I will spare you the reading time and get back to our story. 

One Sunday afternoon Matt and I had been discussing adoption and researching agencies. We had decided to take the leap of faith. We just weren’t sure which way God wanted us to go. Adoption is expensive and thirty grand is a lot of money to place in any one agencies’ hand. We had to make the right decision. We had spent the day researching and talking with people that had adopted and used agencies. At the end of the day, we ended up at a crossroads. We had heard conflicting things about the potential agencies and were left unsure. That night, I went to bed. And Matt had said to me that he really felt that God was going to provide us with a Parental Placement. For those of you non adoption savvy people, that means that instead of going through an agency, God would provide us with a family that wanted to place their child with us and we would go through an attorney instead. Of course, a home study would be done through an agency or through the state but it would mostly be God joining two families that need each other in each other’s path. I admired Matt’s faith and patience on the Lord but my type A, controlling personality wasn’t feeling that. How would we know that this was really going to happen? I mean, it could be ten years before something like that happens! Hadn’t we waited on the Lord enough in our journey to be parents? 

After I went to bed that night, Matt received a phone call from his friend, Matt Allison, whom had been trying to connect with him all weekend but circumstances forbid it. I believe God wanted Matt and I to officially make the decision, step out in faith to adopt before Matt had spoken with Matt A. Matt told him that Gwenn, a woman we had briefly met just weeks prior at Matt and Catherine’s adoption fundraiser yard sale, knew of a young girl that was considering adoption and that Gwenn immediately thought of Matt and I. It wasn’t certain that this girl wanted to place her baby for adoption but she wanted to meet a couple seeking adoption to get a picture in her mind of who her baby would end up with if she decided to go that route. We agreed to meet with her. Even if it only meant that her eyes would be opened to her options. We met in Richmond at the Allison’s home. This was a midway point for each family. Our meeting was amazing. God was completely all over the conversation and the house was filled with his presence. He truly anointed that home. Probably because Gwenn and Mrs. Allision (Catherine’s mom) walked the house in prayer for days prior. We talked, laughed, cried and were so honest with our sharing. It was amazing. We left Richmond that day feeling so good about the meeting even if it simply showed this young girl a Christian couple seeking God’s will in their lives. We truly felt God has used us in her life even if we had never spoken to her again. The day we met in Richmond was Oct. 15, 2010. The feast of St. Gerard. The saint we had been asking intercession from for months and months regarding our inability to conceive. Pretty amazing how God worked that out. 

A few days had gone by with no word from the family until Tues. Oct. 18th. I received a call from the birthmom’s mom and she said that they had decided to place the baby boy with us! I immediately cried on the phone to her in excitement. I called Matt and told him. It was probably the happiest thing I have ever told Matt. I imagine it’s probably much like a woman telling her husband that she was pregnant! True bliss. Matt was amazed, shocked and so happy. We also noticed that the 18th was Matt’s fast and pray day for the unborn. Coincidence? I think not. 

That is when the roller coaster began in the Hamrick home. We immediately told family and friends (who were as shocked as we were that this came about so quickly). But when you truly desire to be parents, it’s a holy calling and you drop everything and be parents, no matter what. We decorated the nursery, bought all the furniture and even had a baby shower in the two weeks before his Nov. 1 due date. It was an amazing whirlwind. Scary but amazing. I wrapped things up at my job and continued contact with the birth mom throughout the following weeks. We even discussed baby names with each other. She had the right to choose his name and she wanted to. She had chosen Josiah which was really funny because just a week before she told us the name she wanted for him, my close friend and spiritual warrior, Tamice has told me we should name him Josiah so that name was in the back of my head. When the birth mom told me the name, I was floored that God had even down to his name planned big things for this child and blessed this whole situation. We picked the middle name. His name was to be Josiah Caleb Hamrick. 

One day at work I received a text that said, “Hope you are ready, I am being induced tomorrow”. I shook with excited and wanted to leave work immediately. We packed our bags and headed to Richmond that night so that we could be at the hospital early the next morning. 

We arrived to the hospital very scared and excited. We met up with the birth mom’s mom and dad in the hospital. We had met the mom but hadn’t met the dad (or granddad of Josiah).  He was unsure of the whole situation and couldn’t understand “giving up your child”. But after talking honestly with him for an hour and tears being shed and hugs being given, he felt assured that  God wanted this baby with us. We then got to the news that things were progressing well with delivery and that the birth mom wanted me in the delivery room with her when she gave birth. I had been hoping and longing to be able to be there but respected any decision she would make. But she chose me to be there!!! I broke down in tears when Josiah’s granddad gave me the news. It was like I could finally breathe! 

Within 45 minutes of pushing, bleeding, puking, Josiah Caleb had arrived! It was a beautiful picture. Here we had the birth mom giving birth, her mom holding one of her legs (sorry for the graphics) and the adoptive mom (me) holding the other leg. All three praying in the spirit the whole time. It was truly the gospel alive in our midst. Life, Sacrifice, Redemption.  It’s true what they say when you count the fingers and toes of your newborn. That’s exactly what I found myself doing. It was amazing. I was the first to hold him and I even was asked to cut his umbilical cord.

The following four days in the hospital were some of the most amazing days of my life. They were also filled with great uncertainty as the birth mom could change her mind at any moment. We were bonding more with our son every minute that we had him. He stayed with us in our room at the hospital with occasional visits with his birth mom and family. Those times were extremely difficult for us. Fear filled me up to where it was difficult to even swallow. If there was ever any doubt if we would love Josiah like our own biological son, it was diminished that very first night with him. I felt helplessly in love with him during the night feedings. He was as much our son as if I had birthed him myself. Adoption is a beautiful and holy thing. And all that we had read about and heard about had come alive for Matt and I during those days with him in the hospital. 

November 4th was the day we were all discharged from the hospital. Parting with the birth family was extremely difficult. We spend time in prayer around Josiah together. More tears were shed as we all said our goodbyes. It was the most difficult time of my life up to that point. Little did I know what was ahead of us still. God was going to ask so much more from Matt and I. 

We arrived home that night with our son! It was such an amazing night. But exhausting because I hadn’t slept since Josiah was born. Mostly because of the extreme stress we had been in at the hospital with the birth family. I still didn’t sleep the first night we had him home with us. I was constantly up watching him sleep. Scared that his little grunting noises in his sleep were him choking. I was such a newbie mom. But he was such a gift to me that I was scared for anything to happen to him. Little did I know that I was going to lose him the very next day.

It was 9:30am on Nov. 5th that I got a call from our attorney letting me know that the birth mom had called her and changed her mind. She wanted to warn me that she was going to call me soon. My heart sank to a place I never knew it could. I sat there looking at Josiah with a lump in my stomach and tears streaming down my face. I burst into the room where Matt was sleeping, woke him up and told him the news. I still feel bad for waking him up like that with the worst news ever. I bet he thought he was having a nightmare. After crying, avoiding a call from the birth mom (I wasn’t ready to respond quite yet) and listening to her voice message that she had change her mind and needed him back, I decided to get in the shower. It was then in the shower that I just barely began to break down and I prayed to God, “God, I can’t do this. I am not strong enough for this.” God said to me, “ Yes you are. I am with you.”. And I swallowed real hard and stopped my tears. I knew from that minute on that I was going to get through this. I had to get through this. After my shower I called the birth mom back and we made arrangements for her to come get Josiah that evening. Meanwhile Matt got a call from Matt A. who had heard the news through Gwenn. Praise God that Matt A . heard the call from God to call us that morning. He spoke such clear truth to us. He said that we probably didn’t want to hear this and that he was scared to even tell us this but that as he was praying for us this morning he heard God tell him to tell us that #1 God is always faithful and #2 we had the biggest opportunity to show Christ in this situation. Being a witness isn’t exactly what you are feeling like doing when someone is ripping the child of your dreams out of your hands after only four days with him. But it was exactly what Matt and I needed to hear. God had got us to a place in one day that we never thought we could be. He gave us the grace we needed to be able to get to a peaceful place before the birth family had arrived to get Josiah that night. Matt went to prayer after talking with Matt A. He sat in the guest room on the computer chair with his legs resting on the bed and placed the crucifix that had been hanging in Josiah’s room before him on the bed. He was exactly where he was the night before at 3am up with Josiah. Josiah had been laying where the crucifix now was on the guest bed just 6 hours before. Matt had been gazing at his son on the bed. Now he was gazing at the crucifix... at God’s son. And the words Hope and Sacrifice streamed through Matt’s mind over and over. Hope and Sacrifice. Hope and Sacrifice. We spent the day with Josiah taking him to his first pediatric appointment and  having family and friends over to see him before he left. That day seemed like a blur while in it but is so clear to me now. The final thing we did with Josiah that night was baptize him. we felt called to do it as his parents. 

When the birth family arrived at 8:30pm on Nov. 5th, they were speechless. I can’t imagine how they felt coming in to take him. We didn’t want it to be too difficult for any of us. So we told them that we had already said our goodbyes to him. We got all of his things together and walked them out to the car. I handed him over to the 19 year old birth mom. She was terrified. But after she placed him in his car seat, I gave her a hug and whispered to her that she was going to be a great mom as long as she knew God and followed Him. And that was the last time we saw our son. 

From that moment on God has slowly made clear what seemed to be so unclear as to why this happened to us. Even this past week, God has continued to reveal to us His plan in all of this. We went to the parish mission at Holy Trinity church. Awesome, Fr. Dan asked Matt and I along with other young adults to have dinner with the guest speaker. We had small talk  which led to the guest speaker, Mark Hart, asking us what we did for a living. I told him that I nannied a newborn. He then made a comment about betting that made me want to have kids. I laughed it off thinking, ”Oh if you only knew”.  Later that night Matt thanked Mark for giving an amazing talk on the storms of life and God being there with us through them. Mark said to Matt” You guys want to have kids bad, don’t you”. Matt was shocked as we had never said anything to him about this. Matt said yes and gave him our 3 minute version of the past 6 months mentioning that we had closure because we baptized Josiah before he left our home. God at that moment spoke truth through Mark to Matt. Mark said that maybe God had used us to be Josiah’s parents for that short time so that we could baptize Josiah and he could become God’s son through the waters of baptism. Wow. Just stop and think about that for one minute. Let it sink in. At the time, we just thought that baptizing him was something we needed to do. Not sure why, probably for closure on our part and reassurance that he was going to be okay. Little did we know that God’s plan was so much bigger than that. 

We still miss him. We still think of him and pray for him daily. We know we are his spiritual parents forever.